Saturday, January 07, 2006
NO MORE TOILETS
hey:
i have to write another blog simply because if i got hit by a bus i don't want to be remembered as the guy who wrote his last blog all about toilets.
maybe i should tell you about my day leaving the french "constellation" con. the gig was over on the 10th and i was out of there on the morning, uh, matin, of the 11th. while the deluise brothers lay twitching in their beds dreaming of flashbulbs going off, i was up at 5 a.m. to make sure i caught my 7:20 a.m. flight.
i can't remember the name of the frenchman who drove me to the airport but let me now say, "merci beaucoups, monsieur!" he informed me that in order to make sure he drove me in time he didn't go to bed. which, at the time i was quite impressed with. until i realized that i was driving on the highway with a guy who hadn't slept. anyway, he got me there and my odyssey began. here was the flight plan: PARIS TO AMSTERDAM, AMSTERDAM TO NEW YORK, NEW YORK TO DALLAS, DALLAS TO SAN JOSE DEL CABO IN MEXICO.
let me say right now NEVER, EVER, NEVER, NEVER, EVER, NEVER, think that saving a couple of hundred dollars by not flying direct is not really a saving when you're wind-sprinting through the newark, new york airport to get checked in because the guy at the paris airport wouldn't give you a boarding pass for that leg of the journey.
i knew that when i landed in newark there'd be trouble. normally i just take carry-on luggage and hit the ground running when i have connecting flights.
oh, let me quickly add that lufthansa airlines are the coolest because they ask if you'd like a coke, some ginger ale or a stella artois. huh? you're giving me beer? i took it because they offered and if you do the math now, you'll all know that i was drining beer for breakfast.
anyway, when the flight takes off from amsterdam to newark the pilot comes on and tells us due to tail winds, we'll be landing early. i've learned to ignore these early good-faith messages because, just as i predicted, we got closer to newark when the pilot came on and told us we'd be late due to head winds. i guess i could look back and say, "it was heads or tails as whether i'd arrive on time. turns out it was heads."
and i know that i have to check in AGAIN in new york because the guy in paris wouldn't print me out a boarding pass.
i've learned over many flights when time begins to shrink, that a stewardess must be flagged down and threatened. the cool thing is, i've also learned that most flight crew love the chance to help someone in a fix. this was no different. there's nothing like me and all my carry-on being brought up to first class to sit by the door. i didn't get free cake or a mug of port, but really, who cares? i'd be first off the flight. and i was.
i run like i'm on fire through the airport and skid to a halt at immigration/security. huge line-up. when i finally get to the homeland security guy and try to act not-sweaty, the guy swipes my passport and asks that question that legendary airport experiences are made of:
"have you ever been in trouble with the law?"
never have i been asked this. i try to stay cool and and choke out, "uh...no." didn't really help my case that i had to stop and think about it but there you go.
the guy keeps swiping my passport and frowning. finally, he says the next thing that cements the legendary airport experience:
"you'll have to go talk to them in that room there."
i look to the heavens. nothing. i have been forsaken.
i trudge to the room which is CRAWLING with homeland security guys and three bleary-eyed Korean guys who look like they'd been sitting, slumped, for 2 days.
the security guy starts swiping my passport and says, "you ever been in trouble with the law?"
"no."
"you travel much to the states?"
"Uh, i come every once in a while just for a weekend."
"and when was the last time you were here?"
at that point my brain does what it always does when in peril, it goes into brain-lock. i cannot recall a single fact. i could have been in the states the weekend prior and i wouldn't have been able to remember. so i just said, "you know what? i got no idea! not a clue! not a single clue! i have zero idea of when i was here last, okay?"
a bit belligerent but he cocked his head, stared me down and then handed me back the passport. i was on my way. all i had to do was hand the piece of paper he'd scribbled on, to the next herd of securitattas and get to the next terminal.
so i'm now freaking and running, running and freaking. bad combo.
i see the homelanders standing around shooting the breeze. i run by, handing in my slip of paper and one of them yells, "hold it, right there!"
i freeze.
he goes, "aren't you on sg:1?"
I CAN NOT BELIEVE WHAT I AM HEARING.
i tell him i am and then i have to stand and chat with this guy about season nine and why the hell did richard dean anderson leave and what's beau bridges like and how come they don't give me more lines.
all the while i'm inching away to catch the train to the next terminal. finally he shakes my hand, sends me off and what feels like 38 hours later, i'm shot-gunning tequila in cabo san lucas.
cheers,
jonesy
Posted by jonesy @ 4:41 PM
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Gary has co-starred on Stargate SG-1 as
Hey GaryI am glad your posting blogs. :) What other projects do you have coming up that we might be able to see you in?
Why the hell did RDA leave anyway? This new Mitchell guy sucks balls.
LOOOOOL, there should be more movies about airports! It's hilarious!
Anything to tell us about the French Convention?
Hope you had a great time in Mexico.
S.
Great story! Thanks for blogging here.
I know exactly what you mean. I usually enjoy long flights, train rides, etc. I thought a delay in LAX would be fun, except I got home at about 4 in the morning, seven hours later than I expected.
I'm glad you learned your lesson about paying a bit less and adding on additional connections. I know I did!
LOL... Great Story! This type of thing happens to me all the time too. Well, not the being recognized or anything. But the Airport security... I'm always tagged to be given that extra bit of security. LOL..
Ace
LOL!!!!!!!! Thank god I'm never on planes!! That was an awesome post!
McK }D
On my flight back from Vegas our pilot was drunk and I swear they had a special ed kid working the stairs after the pilot parked too far away from the jet way. Out plane was rocking the whole way, even before we got off the airstripe. Just flat, then left, flat then left. It was awful.
SO...why did RDA leave? What is Beau Bridges like? How come you dont have more lines? LOL, just kidding. But really, about the lines...
Try being six months pregnant and bawling when they close the door right as you get to the gate because they sent you to the wrong gate and then those gate agents sent you to the right gate but the guy with the cart that beeps and beeps at you louder and louder and louder even though it appears to be carrying professional athletes who could (I dare say) WALK TO THE NEXT GATE!!!! is trying to run over you but you finally get back to your gate. If you cry really hard and show them your great big pregnant belly, they'll find that they can route you through Seattle and everything will be fine.
(Thanks for bringing back the happy memories.)
Callista
Oh, I forgot, it turns out that if you don't have very much luggage, they'll think you're up to something nefarious and "Quincy" the drug-sniffing beagle will be dispatched to smell your bags. (In Seattle.)
Thanks for blogging, I think you're quite HIlarious!!!
-Callista (again)
Callista wrote:
If you cry really hard and show them your great big pregnant belly, they'll find that they can route you through Seattle and everything will be fine.
I would pay to see Gary try to pull that off.. ;)
Last time I was late for a connection was for my Grandfathers funeral, my dad used his miles to get us first class tickets and Delta was nice enough to have a car waiting at our gate so they could drive us across the tarmac to the gate at the other terminal so we wouldn't miss the flight.
And then another airline a few trips ago lost my luggage.. on a DIRECT flight...
Go figure..
Gary,
So glad to hear in Newark you can find SG1 fans in Homeland Security! And now I know now not to believe the pilot when he says you will arrive early; love the heads and tails joke! Glad to hear you made it on time; hope you got to actually breath thru your whole ordeal!
Second half of Season Nine rocks! Agree you need more lines!
Thanks for the great blogs!
Maybe you should have played the 'hey, I'm on SG1!!!' card on the guy in Paris who wouldn't give you the boarding pass ;)
great story there! had a similar one in DC in Nov 2001...pain in the arse, but funny when I look back on it. i sure hope tptb give you more lines and airtime, i've grown fond of walter!
I love the blog, you're really funny, BUTTTTT... Newark Int'l Airport is in NEW JERSEY :) I've heard that a lot of people from Canada don't really get the whole states thing in the US, and perhaps that's your case too. No worries, I'm still not entirely sure what Provinces are!
Hey Gary, thanks for blogging here at gateworld!
I was just thinking, "wow, let us see when the first homeworld-securer asks about sg-1" and kawoosh, here we go.
Hahaha, I just giggled with tears in my eyes through two of your entries. Man you're one hilarious guy. :D You wrote on your Thursday's entry that you have an improv background and all that, and that you like to make people laugh. Well you're doing it right now, keep it coming. :D
I assure you that if you were hit by a bus there would be a national day of morning in the Stargate Fandom and that you wouldn't just be remembered for your entry about toilets. but now you've said it people probably will mention it a bit.
Oh goodness me! I can say that I have gone through that once. What could have been a direct flight from Jacksonville, Florida to San Antonio,TX, to Honolulu, HI then to my island of Guam... took me from the 14th of Dec to the 16th not having spent Dec. 15th! So my travels took me from Florida to Detroit flying over Canada, Alaska, Russia, then onto Narita, Japan where you could get lost!
Hey at least you had a great ending! I missed breakfast!
d00d... yay for jonesy!!!! yay for gateworld!!! .... um.... just yay all around...
i just got back from vegas (21st birthday trip... oooh yeeah) was flying southwest so you have to deal with that whole A B C boarding thing, we got there 3 hours early to the gate so as to make sure we were the first ones on the plane and get those exit rows... (otherwise you get the seat bashing into your knees, people don't realize that when you have a tall person behind you, your seat won't go back cause you keep jamming it again their knees... ouch) anyways.. we ended up arguing with this lady cause she was screeming at us that we stole her spot, she got there an hour after us... and when i mean screaming i mean they called security... we just stood there watching her going "WTF?!?" we got our exit rows though... wow that was a very long and pointless story... yay..
btw. i have to tell ya... i am so glad your now blogging... cause that just makes me day, your awsome dude, awesome!!! and yes i agree... more walter on screen!!!
muchley~nix
O geez... airport stories... let's see. I was serached at the age of 13 (of course! 13 year olds are always a security risk). I had a plane that was several hours late, so I was running through LAX at 16. Of course my mum insisted "turn left once out the doors" nope, it was right.
Then there was an incident with a toilet in Japan.
oh well... I'm glad you're blogging now! :-D
You'd be a major threat on "The Amazing Race" with those airport skillz. ;)
lol that was priceless.
WOW, What A Trip you had
Gary just in the airport inself..
I hope you alot of tequila!!
Sound like you needed after
all of that!!
Have fun in Cabo!!!!
Hugs
Shortea
We had several people (myself included) fly into the DC area for New Year's last weekend. Everyone who flew had some kind of airport drama. Delayed flights, broken planes, getting to watch a lightning storm from the /top/ side, the Brit's luggage lost somewhere in bloody Norway...
Yeah. Fun. NOT!
Now to go back and watch more SG1 on DVD with the commentary track on...
Phoe.
Thanks for sharing your airport challenges. Traveling is never as easy at it seems, is it?
Looking forward to seeing you in Vancouver in March! Thanks for blogging! :-)
We were all waiting for the bit where the Gate fan turned up! It had to happen, really!
At least you made it. Maybe next time you'll consider that extra couple of hundred!
As for toilets...
Fully understand the airport adventures. United lost my 12-year old son on a direct LAX to Dulles flight last summer (when he visited relatives). Couldn't get so much as an "I'm sorry" from those dorks. Needless to say, no one in my family will use "them" again.
You GO on the tequila. Solves my ills too. *ROTFLOL*
You have a great sense of humor, y'know, to be able to laugh at your own funny airport stories. But airports really are laughable anyway, right?
Example:
When I was in middle school, my class flew to Williamsburg, VA for an overnight trip. The security nazis pulled over my best friend Katy (blonde-haired, brown-eyed Katy, with the most Southern accent you could ask for) because she'd dislocated her elbow the week before falling off her horse...and the splint set off the metal detector alarm. ^_______^
Good to see you at gateworld!
great blog.keep up the great work. airports and the plane ride itself is such a great source for humor. i had an incident about ten years ago when i was stuck on a plane for nine hours on the ground because of rain. the sad part was we were less than an hour away from our final destination and my ride who was waiting there could have drove and picked me up in that time. the pilot told us that we could have been to paris in the time we were stuck. that didn't help any. haven't flown since.
Hi Gary,
Read your last blog about your travels experiences. Reminds me of my travel days. Sometimes it was fun, but sometimes a drag. A cold beer at the end works wonders. I'll be at the the Vancouver Convention, look forward to seeing you and the other guest, but really the main reason is to see the sets. I envy you as you get to sit in front of the gate room for your work. Keep up the great work.
Well its just to bad the Homeland security guy who first took your passport didnt recognise you as Walter. that might have sped things up.
Yeah, those airports are annoying.
It's great to see you have your own blog, funny man, love the sarcasm.
toodles.
Nick.
Hey Gary -
That is some FUNNY stuff. I saw your act in Burbank last July. Now I cheer every time Sgt Harriman in on-screen. Awesome. Keep up the funnies.
Altodette
I enjoy your Blogs so much! LOL I always read them at work (hmm maybe I should keep that to my self next time) and I crack-up at one of your funny remarks, so I look up and I have like five people looking at me like "What the...?" Anyway, It's really cool you thake the time to blog, thanxs!
Oh man..too funny- all you needed was to be stuck seated next to a Barry Manilow fan!
When I was a kid I had a fun time traveling with my dad from LA to St. Louis to Tampa, FL.
We arrive in St. Louis on a TWA flight and we stop at a cafe to get a bite to eat. My dad looks at his watch and says, "Wow we have 2 and a half hours to get to our connection! Let’s find a spot to relax." Now we're sitting in an area with a bunch of chairs and I look up from my gameboy at a clock... strange. I point to it and my dad gasps and bolts out of his chair, "Oh $*it, the TIMECHANGED!"
So here we are going from gate 48 to gate 2 Chinese firedrill style and this awesome guy in a service vehicle offers to give us a lift. That guy rocked and we were speeding away orange lights of the car, the driver yelling people to one side, man just awesome!
Never think the world is completely devoid of good people =)
Wow Gary, sounds like you had quite the adventure! I was waiting for the gate fan to turn up...hehe.
Much kudos goes to your airport skills! I agree with the whole not flying direct thing. Saves a few bucks but added hassle. I've flown a few times with connecting flights and I everytime I do that, the flight before the connecting flight is LATE. I think it's a conspiracy.
Hope you have a great time in Mexico!
Gotta Love Gary--
SO funny, why don't they give you a card of your own! gwen smiles sweetly at the powers the be.
Oh and you and Peter doing the commentaries are my favorite! I really have been thinking isn't there an episode where Harriman aka Chevron guy and Siler (the lovely Sheaman ;) are the main actors I mean after all! We love the techs too.
SO enough hope your next dash through the airport is hassle free.
gwen
Poor Gary...sent to secondary inspection...you brought back some memories...
Gilder
former US immigration inspector (a long time ago and far away, please don't hold it against me)
Totally sweet!
--Marsh
I've been to Vancouver for Gatecon thrice, and there was a big change between 2002 and 2004 in my entry/exit experience at YVR airport.
In 2002, the inspectors didn't seem to know what a Gatecon or Stargate was.
In 2004, the US pre-clearance inspectors not only knew, but wanted to chat!
Thank you again, SciFi Channel!
And if any of my con friends (including, I hope, Jonesy) ever gets stuck at San Antonio Intl. (SAT), I'm only ten minutes away...!
Gilder
My favorite was when I was flying from San Francisco to Newark, then to DC. I asked to be picked up by the shuttle a half hour earlier than I needed to be because I'm paranoid (luckily). Turned out the guy got lost and had to pick up several passengers after me. THEN he got on the highway going the wrong way! When we finally got to the airport, less than an hour before my flight left, he couldn't find the right dropoff point. So he went to International Arrivals, thenInternational Departures, then Domestic Arrivals, where I convinced him to let us off so we could run over to Departures since that would be faster. Then I got stuck in line, and the girl at the counter sent my luggage to a different destination. Oh, and I had a computer with me, so I got stuck with extra screening and made it onto my flight with less than five mintues left.
A year later, on my way back from Italy, I flew to Philadelphia and then DC with three other girls. The baggage claim got stuck after they'd gotten their luggage, so they went ahead of me (I was going to tell them to go ahead and they went before I could tell them, but that's another rant), and of course, my suitcase was the first out after they fixed it. So I managed to get through customs, but then my bra set off the metal detector and they had to give me extra screening again! I mean, yes, I could take off my shoes, but not my bra! So I was freaking out, I'd been awake for at least 36 hours at that point, and my bad knee was spasming after spending nine hours on a plane. I was lucky, and a security person found me limping and on the verge of tears running towards my gate (of course, the farthest from security), and gave me a lift on the cart. The plane pulled away from the gate literally ten seconds after I sat in my seat. Luck, much?