=*=

They call him a hero, the saviour of Atlantis.

Word has spread about how he saved the city, about how brave he was in the face of danger. About how he moved to stand in front of her, between her and the Genii gun.

He likes to think that he's capable of that bravery, that he's worthy of the reputation he seems to have gained. That the newfound respect he's shown and the gratitude he's received from Major Sheppard and Doctor Weir is warranted.

But he knows it's not.

He knows that there was another reason for his bravado, one that isn't as simple as being heroic.

One that reflects the true him he's ashamed of.

Rodney McKay is a coward.

He stepped in front of her to save her, yes, but it wasn't because he was confident he could keep Kolya from pulling the trigger.

He got between her and the gun because he's grown to care about her, because he can't imagine Atlantis without her but even that isn't the whole truth.

Even that doesn't do a thing to lift his shame.

No, Rodney McKay put his own life on the line to save Doctor Weir because without her he couldn't have saved the city.

Because he couldn't have saved himself.

He sits to the side of the small group gathered in the common area of Atlantis, tuning out the happy and relieved conversation going on. Wincing subconsciously every time he hears his name.

No one can sleep tonight; the adrenaline is still coursing through their veins. The danger is still too close to their minds, too fresh in their memories. Instead they've chosen to stay together, to discuss what happened and methods of how to stop it from happening again.

Every so often, someone jokes that they don't need to worry. He'll save them. He's their hero now, just as much as Major Sheppard is.

Maybe even more.

He gets to his feet and excuses himself, half-convinced that no one will notice. They've been too busy praising him and the Major to notice that he hasn't been basking in his triumph so why should they notice that he's leaving?

Rodney makes it to the corridor leading along to his quarters before footsteps join his, a soft voice calling out to him to stop.

He turns, hoping the guilt doesn't show on his face.

"I just wanted to say thank you." Major Sheppard stands there with a tentative, awkward at best, smile on his face, a hand held out in front of him. A gesture of friendship Rodney hasn't seen directed at himself in such a long time. "For what you did."

There's embarrassment in the Major's eyes and Rodney knows why it's there. The feelings John has for their leader were forced to the surface during the Genii attack and the Major hasn't yet had the chance to lock them away again.

A movement behind him makes Rodney look up to see Elizabeth standing there and he wonders if maybe the Major won't need to pretend they don't exist anymore.

He reaches out to take the offered hand, ignoring the pang of jealousy that rises up when John moves away after the gesture is accepted, retracing his steps to stand beside the brunette woman gazing up at him with telling eyes.

"Anytime."

The one word hangs in the air and Rodney turns back and resumes the walk to his quarters, thinking about the two people he'd left behind, two leaders in their own ways, in their own right.

The jealousy fades into something else when he hears them walk past his room, a soft laugh accompanying the murmur of voices. A promise of something more.

He gets ready for bed and sinks down onto the mattress with a heavy sigh, his eyes closing wistfully as he waits for his dreams to deliver what reality cannot.

He might not be a hero, but he wonders if maybe he might not be a coward.

=*=
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