Accidentally on Purpose - Jack O'Neill

As a rule when you wake up nose to nose with someone, it's either your wife or your dog, unless you go through the Stargate for a living. Then, some of the rules might be subject to change. Shame is that the really tough ones to abide by aren't the ones that ever change.

The nose that's a couple of inches from mine this particular morning shouldn't be this near me, especially not when I'm just waking up. Now, don't get me wrong, I love dogs. There are even a couple that sleep with me, so you gotta understand, this is no dog's nose I'm talkin' about here and I've not got a wife.

This nose belongs to someone who, well, lets say, I wouldn't mind having right there first thing in the morning, but remember those rules I mentioned, this is where the really tough ones come in.

Okay, okay, so I'm dancing around the facts, you would too if you knew what I know. If you were just a tad reluctant to admit to your part in this nose-to-nose business, you'd be dancing around the truth too.

Did ya ever have one of those days that races past, dragging you bumping along in its wake. One of those days where you don't seem to be able to catch up with events enough to get ahead of them, to get control over them. The kind of day that - when you think it's over, it isn't. That day was yesterday. One minute just led to the next and then the next and before you know it, I'm waking up here nose to nose in what could be some pretty deep trouble.

SG-1 goes through the Stargate on routine missions all the time. Usually there's nothing much to do other than keep alert, be civilized and polite and stand guard. Daniel does most of the people to people stuff. Teal'c creates a presence, Carter pokes around the nature stuff, and works with Daniel on the social angles, me I'm there to keep everyone on task. They could do their stuff without me, but a guy needs a job he can believe in; this one is mine.

We go through the gate to P2X or whatever; some really nice folks gather round. Daniel does his thing. Right there was my first mistake. It's cause and effect, simple as that. Cause I never figured nice folks needed watching out for.

There are nice people everywhere but these folks were the universal answer to the Welcome Wagon. Transplanted from Romania or some old Eastern European country, they took root despite the Goa'uld influence. I really gotta start listening to Daniel a little closer. He's running on about how they used to be thought of as magicians but it was just that they'd synthesized pheromones. It probably wouldn't have made any difference if I had been listening; I wouldn't have understood him anyway. Besides, understanding wouldn't have changed anything. What was going to happen had been set in motion long ago. All it took was a little party spirit to really get my nose problem set into future stone.

Carter and Daniel make the rounds, asking questions, video taping the everything. The community was actually about a dozen wagons scattered around in no particular order, wagons that looked like the caravans that traveled around before the recreational vehicle craze took hold.

Teal'c and I just stroll around, leaning on our massively superior weapons. This gives us that casually alert look we've mastered. If we don't look important, we might miss out on something that Daniel and Carter get to do because they really are important.

That's how we got invited to dinner. Looking important can be exhausting, but it does have its rewards. Carter hunts me up to tell me about the invitation and how Daniel thinks it's a good idea to accept, being sociable and all. Works for me, I'm thinking maybe we can get around setting up our own campsite. I hate the unpacking just for the pleasure of re-packing and it looks like we could be here pretty late. Right here was another place things could have been changed, if I'd been able to see where the day was going.

Daniel's taking pictures of the wagons and unique clothing, he does this sort of thing all the time. I lost track of things somewhere about this time because I don't recall having given Carter permission to be out of uniform. But there's Daniel taking pictures of her in native costume. He's all over the place with that little camera; it's just that I can't recall having seen him taping local girls. Well, yeah, okay, I've seen him take pictures of girls but Carter isn't usually among them. I've seen pictures of gypsies on Earth in costume and Carter's a dead ringer for the gypsy princess type. You know the only blonde among all those dark olive skinned families. Looking back on it, I must have been mentally zoning not to have seen the red flag go up on that kind of thinking.

But I can't change the past, and some of it, I wouldn't want to change. But really,the dinner was great, the best roast animal of some kind, like nothing we'd ever eaten before but great. We ate and drank, course after course. Fine dining under the stars; the job isn't all work.

The oldest man in camp sat at the end of the table. He had to be a hundred years old, but there wasn't a feeble bone in his body. We should all be so agile at half his age. Well, I'm on one side of the head of the table from him; Carter is across from me on the other side of him. Daniel is down about the middle of the table practicing some new phrase, taking instruction on how to eat some native dish, he's the center of a giggling hub, the boy is genuine party animal. Teal'c, next to Carter looks for all the world like an unhappy father watching his children spin out of control. His expression seemed out of place what with everyone having such a good time. That didn't ring a warning bell, it should have.

The conversation was great too. The grandfather of them all, or so he'd been told, guided his family year after year across the plains and rivers of this place to safe camping where the game was plentiful. There were evidently villages scattered across this planet, just no large towns. Very rural. It was the grandfather's job, he assured me to see that his family was fed and taken care of. That they were happy and content. That they followed the old traveling ways. I figured his family needed him about as much as SG-1 needed my protection during this lively party. How wrong I was.

It was the pink stuff, I know it now, I should have known it then. There was another moment when I could have dodged the nose-to-nose bullet, but I didn't.

The pink stuff; they served it by the gallon. I'm as game as the next guy, I held up my cup for a dram. When they poured the first round and I got left out, Teal'c too, we just shrugged it off to an oversight and tackled what could have been the best ribs in the universe if they'd been ribs. The second time the pink stuff came around, we missed out again.

Carter got a cup full the first time around and after a sip, she downed the contents without drawing a breath and then got her cup refilled. I happen to know that she won't drink just anything and if she swigged down the pink stuff, it had to have at least a decent taste. I figured she wouldn't mind sharing a sip; by this time I'd been passed up three time and I was beginning to obsess about it. A narrow view I admit, but what would you do?

A lip short of a stolen sip, the grandfather took the cup away from me, giving it back to Carter. This is not for men, he's telling me. Men don't have to drink it. It's the woman's choice to drink or not. I'm trying to follow his English, attaching my own meaning to what I think he's saying, assuming I know what he wants to say. I'm assuming, and that was another big mistake in a day full of giants.

His English was perfect. I thought he was talking about that the stuff being a little too delicate on the pallet for us important protectors of our people. In short I assumed he was telling me that the pink stuff wasn't a man's drink when what I should have heard him telling me was that men didn't - have - to drink it. He was trying to alert me to something and it went right over my head.

It wasn't a man's drink all right. In a couple of hours, after I lost count of the times her cup was refilled, Carter seemed to be enjoying herself just a bit too much if you know what I mean. I'm not going into any detail here and I won't say the Major was tipsy. I'm in too much trouble with my own part in future events to be casting stones.

Well, we had to get her out of there, she was having way too much fun for us to trust her not to screw up the friendly relations Daniel had established. Once we were beyond the light of the wagon's campfire, she followed along at a steady even pace. Odd, I remember thinking, all things considered, that she could even walk. I really figured that I was considering everything, who knew? Teal'c, still wearing his look of parental concern, brought up the rear as if to guarantee that we all made it back to where we'd left our gear.

There's no way I'm going home with an officer in this condition; we'll let her sleep it off then head home in the morning. Teal'c gets a fire going and that's where he puts Carter till the tent gets set up. He can do a really scary threat when he puts his mind to it.

With a couple of tents up, it's Carter's fault we're having to do this unpacking and I'd remind her of it, if I thought she'd remember the evening. Teal'c puts her in her tent. When she sticks her head out, he gently pushes her back in. When she sticks a leg out, he puts it back in. For a while, I sit at the fire, watching Teal'c protect Carter from herself. I'm trying to figure out where I went so wrong today that I've ended up with a Lolita instead of a Major.

Just because I was there doesn't mean I know what happened; well I know what happened, I just can't figure out how. One minute Teal'c was closing the tent flaps over Carter's latest exit attempt doing his scary threat thing and the next he's was rolling on the ground in serious pain. You know the kind of serious pain I mean.

All I did was go over to, you know to sympathize with him, that's about all you can do for that kind of pain. She's standing there with her arm stretched out, her index finger curling slowly, that 'come here' gesture, you know, like your mother used to do when you knew you were gonna get it for some major infraction of house rules. Well, she's got her chin down and looking up at me, right steady, her eyes slits not looking out of control and certainly not drunk at all, curling her index finger at me but not exactly like I've broken a rule. More like if I don't get a move on, then - I'll be breaking some rule.

My first thought...well actually my second thought, was to just let her out, let her loose on the land, if she got into trouble wandering around in the dark, then we'd back her up. But I'm supposed to protect these guys; that's the real reason I've got this job. Looking back, if I'd followed my second thought, the results might be easier to live with.

It was like watching someone else screw up his career, and the career of a perfectly good theoretical astro whatever she is. In some kind of - I swear - uncontrollable trance; I walked into that tent with absolutely no conscious effort. If I'd known how the pink stuff worked then, maybe, only maybe, I could have changed things.

Well,then there's the morning sun warming the side of the tent; Teal'c stirring outside and a pink nose way to close me.

If I can slip out of here before those eyes open, I've got a chance to preserve some dignity. Once she sees me here, she's going to put two and two together and get ten. Astro-physicists are math whizzes but women in these nose-to-nose situations sometimes have their own kind of arithmetic. She'd be adding it up all wrong, but who's going to believe me.

I'm taking charge here, today is absolutely not going to go like yesterday. I'm getting out of this tent while I can still write a mostly truthful report.

Teal'c is as discreet as they come, but he's kind of taken on a paternal responsibility where Carter and the pink stuff are concerned. He's there when I back out of the tent into the harsh light of day, his ample fists on his hips, feet spread, ready for battle I imagine. Well, I can't take him and he knows it...more important, I know it. When he pulls me to my feet, I'm as ready for a couple of rounds as I'll ever be.

Jaffa don't get much smiling practice, he's been working on it but it's still something of a scary thing to witness. I don't know whether to be relieved or worried. I should have been worried, but I was still scrambling to catch up from yesterday. Even my brief control was an illusion.

I'm thinking if Carter isn't suffering from the pink stuff this morning, we'll put P2X whatever behind us. Daniel is rattling on again about how the pheromones are given off by the skin. The boy's obsessing; anything I say only fuels his fire. For my part, giving orders and watching them followed gives me back the sense of control that somehow got away from me yesterday and I'm thinking maybe whatever happened here we can leave here. While Teal'c breaks camp, I take off with Daniel to make our good-byes to the nice folks.

By the time we get back to camp, Teal'c is packing the last tent, Carter is dousing the fire. There is no sign of the gypsy costume. I'm a little disappointed. This time when the red flag went up, I saw it. I even did something about it.

A little official conversation seemed called for. So, I ask if she's fit for duty. 'Of course' she responds, very military and the 'sir' at the end all proper and regulation. I'm thinking she doesn't remember a thing. This thought is more than just a little depressing. It shouldn't be and I'm back where I was yesterday. Trying to catch up.

We gotta get outta this place. At the Stargate, a few of the local folks have gathered to make a nice send off. Like we were long time friends or family leaving on a trip or something. It was really nice.

Even the grandfather had come. I guessed it was a going away present, the bottle of pink stuff. I figure he's going to give it to me, after all, I'm the leader right. And you can guess how fast I'm going to be rid of it...maybe. But he passes me and gives it to Carter, patting her hand and being really sincere. Telling her not to overdo. Boy did he get that right. Reminding her that it won't always work. I missed something somewhere in the 'won't always work' part, probably during all that conversation at dinner last night. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I get that little warning tickle and haven't the faintest idea why.

Finally we're home, where things can get back to normal.

It usually takes me days to get a mission report written; it's just not one of my favorite chores. This one, I'm putting the finishing touches on before dinner. I need time to practice my evasions - I wouldn't want to out right lie - before the debriefing. I do this sort of writing in the commissary, there's enough going on to keep me from falling asleep and there's cake and coffee to fuel my creativity.

Of course, there are going to be interruptions. This one is Daniel in the lead followed by Carter, carrying that bottle of pink stuff. If I admitted that a little electrical distraction went through me when I saw it, I wouldn't be lying. Daniel's telling me they're on their way over to Sam's for dinner and I need to be there; that I've got a couple of days to finish this report so...no excuses. She's standing behind him where only I can see her, her arm stretched out, curling her index finger at me.

I'm never gonna get ahead of this thing.

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