Friday Five: Earth Under Siege

Beware of SPOILERS for the final episode of Stargate Atlantis below.

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This Week: Earth Under Siege

If you’re an evil alien super-villain looking to dispatch those pesky humans, here are five (failed) ways to attack and either capture or destroy the planet Earth. Your choice, if you can swing it.

#5: Make friends, then drastically reduce their population.

Tried In: “2010”

The crafty Aschen figured out a way to conquer the planet without ever firing a shot. They made friends with us, shared their advanced technology and medicine, and even beat the Goa’uld for us. What a deal! Earth joined the Aschen Confederation … only to discover a decade later that our new friends were not so nice, after all. The drug that extended human life also reduced the birthrate by 90 percent. The Aschen’s plan was to take over the planet (and probably turn it into farmland) within a few hundred years. Sneaky. Good thing that SG-1 got together and altered that timeline by sending a note to themselves in the past!

#4: Take a couple of motherships and show your kid how a real System Lord does it.

Tried In: “The Serpent’s Lair” / “Within the Serpent’s Grasp”

A year after Earth started making themselves a real menace in the galaxy, Apophis decided to show them who was boss. He sent Klorel, his offspring in Skaara’s body, on a Goa’uld mothership to attack the planet directly — with Apophis rendezvousing with his own ship. Two ships against this puny little planet is more than enough, right? Too bad SG-1 snuck on board, found a disloyal Jaffa soldier in Klorel’s ranks (Bra’tac), and got the ships all blowed-up by destroying the shields and then steering one into the other.

#3: Throw an asteroid at it.

Tried In: “Fail Safe”

When a pesky treaty prevents you from attacking Earth overtly, you’ll need to be a bit more surreptitious with your plan. Try finding a giant asteroid with an explosive naquadah core, and chuck it toward the planet. It’ll look like a natural disaster, and you can hold up your hands and say, “Who, me? I was way over here talking to Zipacna!” That’s what Anubis tried to do, after forcing his way back into the company of the System Lords.

Even if an amateur astronomer does see it coming in time, there’s no possible way that SG-1 can actually stop it, or divert it, or blow it up, or … take it into hyperspace and … ride it safely through the planet … and … oh. Damn.

#2: Two words: Super Hive!

Tried In: “Enemy At the Gate”

Feeling a bit peckish? Have an entire species that has been looking for the rich feeding ground of 6 billion humans for a while now? Get yourself the biggest, strongest, most advanced Wraith hive ship ever (and the coordinates to Earth, fortunately dropped into your lap by an alternate reality), and have a go at it. The Wraith were cautious and smart about their attack, destroying the Ancient weapons platform with a Dart attack before moving in their capital ship.

But guys, next time: Don’t bring along a Stargate that lets the puny humans get on board, detonate a nuke, and escape unscathed. That just makes everyone look bad.

#1: Use your big-ass mothership … but chase SG-1 to Antarctica first.

Tried In: “Lost City, Part 2”

Anubis certainly learned from Apophis’s mistakes (fools rushing in, and all). He cautiously brought in his gigantic, custom-made mothership when he knew that the coast was clear, and Earth had no viable defense against him. When SG-1 showed up and made a B-line for Antarctica and the Ancient weapons platform buried under the ice, Anubis threw everything he had at them — Al’kesh bombers, death gliders, super-soldiers … everything he had to stop the team. After a massive battle over the ice (and help from Prometheus and an F-302 fighter wing, led by Cameron Mitchell), the team found the Ancient control chair and blasted Anubis to smithereens with drone weapons.

But hey, it was a good try, buddy.

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