Summary | Production | Transcript

Sheppard's team meets an obnoxious man who is adored by all thanks to a secret that he carries – and who has an unexpected affect on them.

DVD DISC: Season 3, Disc 1
DIRECTED BY: Martin Wood
STORY BY: Brad Wright & Robert C. Cooper
TELEPLAY BY: Carl Binder
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Transcript by Callie Sullivan

Czech translations by d3u5

PLANET. A Puddle Jumper flies over the surface of a planet. Inside, Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard is piloting the ship. Doctor Rodney McKay sits in the co-pilot's seat. Teyla Emmagan and Ronon Dex are in the two seats behind them. John sneezes, then coughs. Rodney closes his eyes briefly, then looks pointedly at John as he sniffs.

TEYLA: Are you alright, Colonel?

SHEPPARD (his voice a little hoarse): It's nothing. Just a cold. No big deal. It's just annoying.

McKAY: Talking about annoying ...


McKAY: We should be focusing on harvesting space Gates.

SHEPPARD: That's what we're doing, Rodney. The M.A.L.P. detected life signs. We have to check it out. That's the protocol.

McKAY: I am just saying that identifying potential space Gates to complete the intergalactic bridge should be our priority, not making contact with the locals of some backwater hamlet.

TEYLA: Are you that eager to return to Earth, Rodney?

McKAY: This isn't just about me -- it is about the ability to go back and forth between Earth and Atlantis conveniently ... and whenever I want to.

DEX: How's that work again?

(Rodney swings his chair around to face Ronon, eager to tell him all about it.)

McKAY: OK. Once we've seeded enough Stargates across the void between Pegasus and the Milky Way, we'll be able to take a Jumper from one to the other to the other 'til we reach the other side. That way, we won't tax the ZedP.M., we won't be reliant on the Daedalus, and travel time between Earth and Atlantis will be cut from three weeks to thirty minutes. (He smiles and turns his chair back to face the front.)

TEYLA: Very clever.

McKAY: Yes. (He hesitates for a moment.) Samantha Carter's idea.

SHEPPARD: Backwater hamlet dead ahead.

PLANET. VILLAGE. Shortly afterwards, the team has landed and made its way into a village. Oh, look, everyone, it's yet another medieval-looking village. The villagers are wandering around the market square, going about their everyday lives. They don't seem to be shocked by the arrival of the team, so they must be used to having visitors. Some of them wave in greeting at the team or smile at them as they walk past. One woman waves to the team, then covers her mouth and giggles like a schoolgirl. Rodney sighs.

McKAY (bored): OK, let's just make contact, buy our souvenirs, and ... get out of here!

(His tone perks up as he says the last four words, because he has seen something very interesting up ahead. It's two women, both of them young and pretty and dressed in bright clothes. Further ahead are more young, beautiful, brightly dressed women. The nearest one smiles at the team.)

WILLA: Fair day to you.

SHEPPARD: Fair day to you! (He and Rodney walk on, gazing at the women. John speaks casually to Rodney.) Nothing here. We should probably go.

McKAY: Yeah, probably wouldn't hurt to make contact with the locals, though, hmm?

SHEPPARD: No, no. When you're right, you're right.

(Teyla sighs in resignation.)

McKAY: No, we're here now, and, uh ...


(The team looks towards the voice. It's a man walking towards them, beaming happily.)

LUCIUS: Hello, new people! Why didn't anybody tell me the new people were here yet?

(All the nearby villagers have turned to look at Lucius and all of them seem to be delighted to see him. One of the women walks over to him, drapes an arm around his neck and kisses him on the cheek.)

WILLA: Lucius, I've missed you!

LUCIUS (smiling): Oh, please. Well, I was just out for a walk. Have you met the new people yet?

SHEPPARD: We just got here.

LUCIUS: Oh, great. Great. Then I haven't missed anything. I hate missing things. (With his arm around Willa, he walks over to the team.) Have you met my wife, Willa? Isn't she gorgeous? (He points his thumb over his shoulder and turns to a group of women standing nearby.) My other wives are just making lunch.

WIFE 2: Fair day, Lucius!

(Lucius waves at her.)

LUCIUS: Hello, sweetheart. (He blows a kiss at her.) I love ya. I love ya. (He waves to the other villagers.) Fair day, everybody.

(The villagers, smiling happily, wave back at him and greet him.)

SHEPPARD: Uh, I'm John Sheppard. (He introduces the others.) Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan.

(Lucius smiles at each of the team members as they are introduced, but is instantly more interested in Teyla.)

LUCIUS: Teyla.

(He gently pushes Willa aside so that he can step towards Teyla. Willa looks a little indignant.)

LUCIUS (looking Teyla up and down): And you are from ...?

TEYLA (straight faced): Athos.

LUCIUS: Athos. Yeah, Athos. I've never been there. It sounds nice. Is it nice?

TEYLA (unimpressed by his smile): Until it was culled by the Wraith.

LUCIUS: Oh, I hate them. What do you say you and me get together, we have some lunch, we talk about this, huh? (Teyla looks at John and Rodney, raising an eyebrow.) Maybe have some wine?

McKAY: We don't even know your name.

(Lucius looks round at him for a moment, then starts to laugh. All the villagers join in with his laughter. Rodney looks down, embarrassed. John shrugs at Lucius.)

SHEPPARD: We're serious.

WILLA: You mean you truly have not heard of Lucius? (She and another of the wives gaze adoringly at Lucius.) Well, everyone knows -- he's the wisest and kindest man among the stars.

LUCIUS: Aw, people just say that. I mean, you can't prove it 'til you've met everybody, am I right?

SHEPPARD: Well, then, Lucius, we're glad we met you.

LUCIUS: And if you aren't yet, you will be. Come on, let's have some lunch, huh? Everybody has to eat, right? C'mon, right this way, please.

(Some of his wives each walk over to one of the team, take their arm and lead them away, smiling happily.)

LUCIUS (to Teyla): Please. After you. Please.

(Ronon intervenes between the two of them, shepherding Teyla away from him and following the other two men.)

LUCIUS: Fair day.

VILLAGER: Fair day, Lucius.

(Lucius watches the team as they are led away, then turns to smile at another couple of villagers.)

LUCIUS: Fair day.

VILLAGER 2: Fair day.

LUCIUS. Fair day.

(He reaches into his coat and takes out a small glass vial. Uncorking it, he takes a swig of the clear liquid inside, grimacing at the taste. He re-corks the bottle and puts it back into his coat, then follows after the team.)

LUCIUS: Here I come!

LATER. Lucius, Willa and the team are sitting at a table in the village square, eating a meal. The other villagers are standing around the area and watching them, all smiling happily.

LUCIUS: I love architecture. It's all a mystery to me, really, but ... (he gestures around at the buildings surrounding the square) ... it hasn't stopped me from trying.

TEYLA: I see.

(She looks around the village, clearly bored. Lucius leans towards John.)

LUCIUS: Is she taken yet?

TEYLA (before John can speak): No. Nor does he, nor anyone else, speak for me.

LUCIUS (looking at her): Oh, yeah. Yeah, you are definitely wife material.

(Rodney puts his hand over his face in disbelief.)

LUCIUS: I love a woman with spirit ... and a great body.

(Teyla glares at him.)

McKAY (interrupting before Teyla gets a chance to kill Lucius): Excuse me, Lucius, please pardon my ignorance, possibly even my manners, but what is it exactly about you ...?

LUCIUS: I know what you're going to say, so you don't even have to ask. (He smiles at Rodney.) I have gifts.

(The team exchange glances. Ronon grins, amused.)

SHEPPARD: What are those, uh ... gifts?

LUCIUS: Exploration, alchemy, medicine. I have -- I have to say -- some of the best ointments around.

(John sneezes, then coughs.)

LUCIUS: See, I could take care of that just ... (he snaps his fingers) ... just like that.

SHEPPARD: It's just a cold.

LUCIUS: Nevertheless, I have a potion that could get rid of that in six or seven days.

McKAY: Mmm(!)

SHEPPARD: That's impressive(!)

LUCIUS: You get used to it. We'll do a trade. (He grins round at the team.) So, where are you all from?

SHEPPARD: No place in particular. We move around a lot.

LUCIUS: In that wonderful machine of yours. Yeah, I saw it. I was on a walk, I look up, and I heard ... somebody said that you flew through the Ancestral Ring?

(John starts to shake his head but Ronon is already talking.)

DEX: Yeah, that was us.

LUCIUS: How does it fly?

McKAY: It's complicated. One has to ...

LUCIUS (interrupting): I mean, where do you get a machine like that? I mean, it's a wonderful way to travel. Can I get one? Are they hard to fly?

SHEPPARD: Yes. They are hard to fly, and no, you can't have one.

(Lucius' smile fades for the first time.)

LUCIUS: But I want one. Please.


WILLA: Perhaps a trade for some of his wonderful medicines?

McKAY: Or perhaps not.

LUCIUS: What, you come all this way, you don't even want to do a trade? Look, it doesn't have to be the ship. Forget the ship. I don't even want the ship, OK? You've got to have some other stuff that you want to trade, right? OK, like, like, (he turns to John) ... how do you get your hair to go like that?

(John gazes at him silently for a moment. Teyla bows her head, hiding a smile.)

SHEPPARD: Lunch was great, but I just realised we're running late.

McKAY: For what?

SHEPPARD: For that important thing.

(He stands up. The rest of the team follows suit.)

TEYLA: Yes, as much as we would love to stay, we really must go.

LUCIUS (standing): No, no, no, no, no. I don't want you to go. You just got here. Come on, come on. We haven't even had the second course. Please! I want you to see some of my medicines.

(As the team starts to walk away, he turns to Willa.)

LUCIUS: Go get the ointments, the good ones. Go. Run! Go!

(As Willa jumps up and hurries off, John turns back towards Lucius.)

SHEPPARD: Another time, Lucius. We've got to go.

LUCIUS: No. No, I don't want you to leave.

(The villagers close in around the team, preventing them from walking away.)

LUCIUS: OK, OK, OK. Alright. Let them go. We're all friends here, right?

(The villagers step back again. The team starts to walk away.)

SHEPPARD: Tell you what -- soon as we get back, we'll tell our medical people to come see what you have to offer and then we'll talk about trade.

LUCIUS (hopefully): Later today, maybe?


LUCIUS: I'll have everything ready.

SHEPPARD: Thank you.

LUCIUS: You won't be disappointed!

(The team leaves the village square. Lucius smiles happily.)

LUCIUS: Nice people.

(All the wives and villagers around the table smile and nod in agreement.)

ATLANTIS. John and Rodney are walking down the stairs into the Control Room with Doctor Elizabeth Weir.

SHEPPARD: I think the word we're looking for is ...

McKAY: ... obnoxious? Unctuous?

SHEPPARD: Either one of those works.

McKAY: Then again, the townspeople seem to love him, so maybe there's something to his medicine.

SHEPPARD: Sounds like a snake oil salesman to me, but it might be worth having Beckett check it out.

WEIR: Well, I'm sure Carson will be able to get us an answer pretty quickly. So it's back out to scout for Gates?

McKAY (eagerly): Yes. Right away.

SHEPPARD: It's not a race, Rodney.

LUCIUS' PLANET. Doctor Carson Beckett has travelled to the planet and is in a room with Lucius. Bunches of herbs or roots are hanging around the walls and are in pots on the table.

LUCIUS: Some of the herbs were gathered from this planet on my walks, but most were collected from my many excursions to other worlds. I have to confess, I have concocted remedies for almost every known ailment.

BECKETT (sceptically): Every single one?

LUCIUS: Well, every one in town. The sick have been cured, the lame can walk again ... well, some still crawl, but they crawl a lot faster than they used to.

BECKETT (amused): I see.

LUCIUS: Nothing pleases me more than when someone comes up to me, they say, “Thank you, Lucius. You have cured me. You are a wise and kind man.”

(Carson smiles at the man's arrogance.)

LUCIUS: The young, old, women ... Do you like women, Doctor Beckett?

BECKETT: What? Yes, of course.

LUCIUS: Yeah, I have a potion that will have them lined up around the square just waiting to be with you. You know what I mean when I say “be with you,” right?

BECKETT (still trying to hide his amusement): I think so, yes.

LUCIUS: I will trade you that potion for what you are holding in your bag right now.

(Carson puts a hand protectively on the strap of the bag he is wearing over his shoulder.)

BECKETT: My medical kit?

LUCIUS: Mmm-hmm.

BECKETT: But I thought you cured every known ailment.

LUCIUS: Every known ailment in town. I added that, remember?

BECKETT: Well, it is tempting, but I'm afraid I couldn't do that, Lucius. Sorry.

(Lucius laughs.)

LUCIUS: Not yet, anyway, huh? Come on. You must be starving. I have a great meal lined up for us.

(Carson sighs wearily as Lucius leads him out of the room.)

ATLANTIS. Elizabeth comes into the Control Room to talk to John and Rodney who are looking at a screen with Doctor Radek Zelenka.

WEIR: How did the scout go?

(John coughs painfully before answering.)

SHEPPARD: Well, we found an unused Gate in orbit over M3R-428.

McKAY: One lousy Gate. We're never going to meet our quota at this rate.

SHEPPARD: What quota?

McKAY: My quota.

SHEPPARD: Daedalus is still under repair anyway, Rodney. We won't be able to harvest Gates 'til it can fly. (He turns to Elizabeth.) Did Beckett bring back anything worth anything?

WEIR: No, he hasn't returned yet. He radioed in earlier, said he'd like to stay a little longer. Apparently he's found something of interest.

McKAY: Huh.

LUCIUS' PLANET. NIGHT TIME. All the villagers are gathered around the table in the square, listening avidly to Lucius as he tells them a story.

LUCIUS: The baby was frozen solid. Like a statue, like a frozen statue. It must have been in the water for, I don't know, what must have seemed like an eternity. I didn't know what to do. I mean, I was a kid myself. I take the baby and I open my coat and I tuck the baby inside, and I start stroking the baby's back, gently.

(The camera pans round and we see that Carson is sitting with the rest of the villagers, gazing at Lucius in fascination as he continues his story.)

LUCIUS: Now, I don't know whether it was the warmth of my body or the steady, insistent rhythm of my own life force urging this tiny baby's heart to begin beating again, but beat it did ...

(All of the villagers, and Carson, gasp in amazement and delight.)

LUCIUS: ... and a cry arose, piercing the cold night air, as if to say, “I ... am ...alive.”

(The villagers croon at the beauty of his tale. Carson smiles in delight and starts to applaud. Others join in.)

BECKETT (laughing happily): Astonishing.

LUCIUS: And that baby ... that baby grew up to be ...

(He gestures to the side. Carson and the others look across to where he is pointing. A young woman is putting some goblets and a jug of wine onto a tray.)

BECKETT: That beautiful young lady.

(The woman turns and smiles happily at Lucius.)

LUCIUS: No, no, no, not her, not her. Behind her.

(The woman picks up her tray and walks off, revealing a young man who, with a blank _expression on his face, is turning the spit over a fire, unaware of the fact that it's not set up properly and the meat on the spit isn't actually turning.)

LUCIUS: Uh, maybe a little brain damage, but just a little. But the story is true.

BECKETT: And thank you for sharing it with me.

LUCIUS: Oh, please, Doctor Beckett. (He stands up and walks over to Carson, putting his hands on his shoulders.) That's what I like doing most, to share. (He pulls Carson to his feet.) To share me.

(Carson smiles at him adoringly.)

BECKETT: And I can see that now.

LUCIUS (patting him on the shoulder): You see? All you had to do was get to know me. (He puts his arm around Carson's shoulder and they start to walk. Carson chuckles happily and puts his arm around Lucius' back.) You know, Carson ... may I call you Carson?

BECKETT: Of course you can!

LUCIUS: Carson, this city that you keep going on and on about ...

BECKETT: Atlantis.

LUCIUS: Yeah, Atlantis. On a scale of one to ten, this village being a three ...

BECKETT: Oh, Atlantis is definitely a ten.

LUCIUS: It is? Oh, yeah. And those flying ships, you still have those?

BECKETT: You mean the Jumpers? Oh, aye, we have several.

LUCIUS: Really? How interesting. Tell me more.

BECKETT: Oh, Lucius, I think I can do much better than that.


TECHNICIAN: Incoming wormhole. Opening the shield.

(Elizabeth walks across to the Canadian technician, looking at him enquiringly.)

TECHNICIAN: Doctor Beckett's I.D.C.

WEIR: It's about time.

(She heads for the stairs down into the Gateroom. Marines are waiting with their weapons trained on the open Gate. Carson walks through and raises his hand to the marines, who lower their weapons.)

WEIR: Carson.

(She stops as Lucius walks through. He stares around the Gateroom, putting his hands to his mouth as he laughs in delight. Carson smiles proudly.)

LUCIUS: Oh, my! When you said this place was a ten, I thought, “OK, maybe, maybe it's an eight and a half,” but this!

WEIR: Carson?

BECKETT: Doctor Weir, permit me to introduce Lucius Luvin.

LUCIUS (walking towards Elizabeth): Speaking of stunning, you never told me anything about her. Oh, yeah. (He stares pointedly down her body.) Yeah, I am definitely gonna like it here.

(Elizabeth glares at Carson, looks back at Lucius defiantly.)

OBSERVATION ROOM. Elizabeth, John and Carson are looking through the window down into the Isolation Room below, where Lucius is intrigued by two screens showing images of himself. He is standing in front of one of two cameras on tripods, moving his head around as he watches himself on the screens. Rodney is also in the Observation Room, watching the footage of Lucius.

WEIR: I can't believe you brought him here without permission.

BECKETT (amused as he watches Lucius' antics in the room below): I didn't think you'd mind.

WEIR: You didn't think I'd mind? You know the protocols. You even helped come up with them.

BECKETT: There's so much he can offer us!

SHEPPARD: Is this the same guy who said he could cure my cold in a week?

BECKETT: I know my business, Colonel Sheppard. He happens to have created several medicines that are quite remarkable.

WEIR: Really? That guy?

(She looks down into the Isolation Room, where Lucius has now got his mouth wide open and is moving his head around in the front of the camera while he tries to look down his throat on the screen.)

BECKETT: Aye. He also possesses many valuable herbs and spices ... and gourds.

McKAY: Did you just say gourds?!

BECKETT: Yes, Rodney. Gourds. We don't know everything, despite what you may think. (Rodney scoffs.) He could prove to be a very powerful ally. He's a very wise and kind man.

(He smiles down into the Isolation Room happily. Elizabeth narrows her eyes at him.)

WEIR: Are you feeling alright?

BECKETT: What do you mean?

SHEPPARD: It's just you're acting a little ...

WEIR: ... smitten?

SHEPPARD: I had another word in mind.

BECKETT: This is not something to treat lightly.

WEIR: No, it isn't. You've brought a stranger to Atlantis without prior approval. Now he knows about the city, as well as our Gate address.

BECKETT: Lucius would do nothing to harm us. He comes in peace, as our friend. You have his word and mine on that.

SHORTLY AFTERWARDS. Elizabeth, John and Rodney are walking down some stairs.

WEIR: Do you think he poses a threat?

SHEPPARD: Definitely a nuisance.

McKAY: If what Beckett says is correct, these medicines could be of value to us.

SHEPPARD: We'll just keep an eye on him. McKay and I are heading out to scout more Gates. Tell Teyla and Ronon not to let him out of their sight.

GUEST QUARTERS. Carson escorts Lucius into a guest room. Marines guard the exit.

BECKETT: Here we are.

(He looks hopefully at Lucius, who gazes around the room with his mouth open in awe.)

LUCIUS: It's perfect.

(Carson clenches his fists in a victorious gesture, delighted that Lucius is happy with his room, then gets anxious again.)

BECKETT: Because you could always have my own personal quarters if you wanted.

LUCIUS: Oh, no, no. Don't be silly, Carson. I mean, you know, I'll take a look at what you have if you insist, but this'll do fine for now.

BECKETT: Oh, good. I'm so pleased. Just let me know if you want anything.

LUCIUS: Oh, I can't think of anything I want more than just being here. (Carson smiles in delight.) Except that ...

BECKETT (stepping towards him anxiously): What?

LUCIUS: No, it's nothing.

BECKETT: No, tell me!

LUCIUS: I get the feeling that your friends don't like having me around.

BECKETT: Och, Lucius, just give them a chance to get to know you.

LUCIUS: I just hope I get that chance.

BECKETT: Oh, you will, I promise. In fact, I'm sure Doctor Weir will want to negotiate an alliance between your people and ours.

LUCIUS: Really?

BECKETT: Really!

LUCIUS: Oh, that'd be great!

LATER. Lucius pulls aside the net curtain hanging over the door and looks out to see two marines outside the room. He opens the door and walks over to them.

LUCIUS: Oh, hello. I was going to go get something to eat, because they forgot to bring me something, so ... are you guys not allowed to talk?

(Teyla and Ronon come up the stairs.)

TEYLA: Guests are not permitted to move about the city unescorted.

LUCIUS (smiling at her flirtatiously): Well, what do you say you escort me then, huh, huh? (He notes her straight face.) You don't like me yet, do you?

DEX: “Yet”?

LUCIUS: I'm sorry. (He stares down the length of Teyla's body.) My manners just fail when I am in the presence of a beautiful woman. Isn't she something, huh?

DEX: Yeah.

TEYLA: We will have something sent to you.

LUCIUS: Oh, no, no, no. Come on. Come on. Don't make me sit in there all alone. (He walks closer to her.) Come on, please?

(Teyla backs away from him, irritated by his flirting.)

TEYLA: Very well. We will both take you.

LUCIUS: Oh, both. Both is good. Yeah, we'll get to know each other then, OK?

(Teyla starts to lead him away. He turns to Ronon as they follow her.)

LUCIUS: Like, how d'you get your hair to go like that?

ELIZABETH'S OFFICE. Elizabeth is standing near the door, signing a computer tablet held by a female Chinese technician. Carson is sitting at the desk.

BECKETT: Just listen to what he has to say.

WEIR (to the technician): Thank you.

(The technician leaves and Elizabeth walks round the desk and sits down on the other side.)

WEIR: Fine. I must say, I'm starting to get concerned about your interest in this man. It seems ... excessive.

BECKETT: And I find it puzzling why you've chosen to greet Lucius with such hostility.

WEIR: Perhaps it's because you broke protocol, endangering...

BECKETT (interrupting): And for that I am sorry, but can we please move on past that one mistake and not further alienate a potential ally?

(Elizabeth sighs, irritated.)

WEIR: Fine. Have him come up to my office.

GUEST QUARTERS. Lucius is primping in front of a full length mirror and practising how he will greet Elizabeth when he meets her.

LUCIUS (flirtatiously into the mirror): Hello, Doctor Weir. (He takes his coat off and tries again.) Hello, Doctor Weir.

(He smiles in satisfaction, goes across to the bed and drops the coat onto it. He reaches into the bag which he brought with him, takes out the glass vial and drinks the last of its contents, grimacing at the taste.)

ELIZABETH'S OFFICE. Lucius, escorted by a couple of marines, walks into the office. He is holding a small earthen gourd with a yellow candle stuck into the top.

LUCIUS: Hello, Doctor Weir. Thank you for granting me this audience.

WEIR: It's hardly that, Mr Luvin.

LUCIUS: No, please. Lucius.

(Elizabeth smiles nervously at him. Lucius holds out the gourd to her.)

LUCIUS: May this be the first of many gifts that our people exchange.

WEIR: Thank you. (She takes the gourd from him, smiling politely at it.)

LUCIUS: I made it myself. The gourd is from the marshes of my home world, topped with a candle that's made from the congealed tallow of an animal that I killed with my bare hands.

(Elizabeth tries to hide a grimace, now holding the gourd with as little of the surface of her hands as she can manage without dropping it.)

WEIR: How nice.

LUCIUS: It's nothing.

WEIR: Please, have a seat.

LUCIUS: After you.

(Elizabeth puts the gourd down on the table. Two chairs are on the side of the desk nearest to the door, facing each other, and she sits in one while Lucius takes the other. As soon as they are seated, he leans forward and takes her hands. He gazes into her eyes for a moment, then stares down the length of her body.)

WEIR: What are you doing?

LUCIUS (lifting his eyes back to her face): Huh?

(Elizabeth gets to her feet abruptly, walks around the desk and takes her normal seat.)

WEIR: I've been told that you would like to negotiate a possible alliance between our two peoples.

LUCIUS: An alliance? OK. Sure. I mean, that's why I'm here, is to talk about that.

WEIR: Well, then, why don't you start by telling me what you have to offer us?

(Lucius smiles smugly at her, then glances down at the gourd on the table.)

WEIR (narrowing her eyes): Besides candles.

(Lucius grins.)

LUCIUS: Right.

(He gazes off into the distance, thinking desperately.)

NIGHT TIME. John and Rodney are coming down the stairs from the Jumper Bay into the Control Room.

McKAY: One tiny settlement on the entire planet? Look, all we'd have to do is relocate them.

SHEPPARD: We're not evacuating an entire planet so we can take their Gate.

(They look around the Control Room, puzzled by the fact that the place is empty apart from the Canadian technician, who is lounging nonchalantly against the balcony with a mug in his hand.)

TECHNICIAN: Hey! Welcome back.

McKAY: Where's Zelenka?

TECHNICIAN: Well, he's not here.

SHEPPARD: No. (He looks around the room nervously.) No-one's here. Where is everyone?

MESS HALL. The doors open and John and Rodney walk in. Laughter can be heard. They walk into the room and find a large number of the Atlantis crew sitting and listening to Lucius who is sitting on a table and telling them a story. Ronon can be seen standing next to him.

LUCIUS: I'm standing outside. I don't know what to do. I ran. I ran! I ran -- and I'm the guy who's holding the weapon, OK?!

(The crew laugh. We see that Elizabeth is sitting next to Lucius.)

LUCIUS: So here's what I do. OK, here's what I do. OK, I'm standing there, and I'm running, and I see the beast, just coming towards me, so I just step to my left, I turn around, and just as he's coming to me, I take my sword, I draw it ... (he gestures drawing the sword and the crew all flinch back, completely engrossed in the story) ... and I lop off its head!

(The crew, including Teyla and Carson, gasp in amazement.)

LUCIUS: Yeah, and I bend over, I pick it up, and I walk in triumph back to the village.

WEIR (totally absorbed in his tale): Amazing.

DEX: You didn't!

LUCIUS: Oh, oh, yes, oh my giant friend, I did, and let me tell you this: I had no trouble finding female companionship that night, if you know what I mean!

(The crew laugh delightedly.)

ZELENKA (in Czech): He's such a dandy!

LUCIUS: Repeatedly!

(The crew laugh hysterically. Lucius puts his arm around Elizabeth, who has her hand on his knee. Teyla reaches out and holds his other hand.)

LUCIUS: Yeah! Yeah!

(As the crew continue to laugh, Rodney and John look at each other in disbelief.)

ELIZABETH'S OFFICE. DAY TIME. John and Rodney are talking with Elizabeth, Carson, Teyla and Ronon.

SHEPPARD: What the hell is going on?

(The others look at each other, confused.)

WEIR: What do you mean?

SHEPPARD: What do I mean? We leave for a few hours, and Lucius turns you all into Stepford wives!

McKAY: What did he do to you?

WEIR: Absolutely nothing. Carson was right about him.

TEYLA: I agree. He has much to offer us.

McKAY: Herbs and gourds?!

BECKETT: Please, the medicines alone are worth whatever he asks.

SHEPPARD: You're really telling me the ointment is worth something?

BECKETT: I haven't actually tested it.

McKAY: Oh, you're just taking his word for it.

DEX: You got a problem with that?

McKAY: Me? (Nervously) Uh, no. (He points at John.) He might.

SHEPPARD: Teyla, this is the man who asked you to be his seventh wife.

(Elizabeth looks round at her.)

TEYLA: I know. (She looks at Elizabeth apologetically.) I hope I didn't upset him.

BECKETT (to John and Rodney): You just haven't taken the time to get to know Lucius.

WEIR: Carson is right. Again. (She pats his arm.) Look, I think he could be a great asset to us. He has travelled extensively throughout this galaxy, and gathered a tremendous amount of intelligence.

SHEPPARD: Has he shared any of this intelligence?

WEIR: Not yet, but ... (she picks up the gourd with the candle in it) ... he did give me this.

(Teyla's mouth drops open in amazement. Elizabeth holds out the gourd for Carson, Teyla and Ronon to look at more closely. They gaze at it reverently.)

DEX: A very wise and kind man.

(The four of them nod. Carson looks at Elizabeth, mouthing, “May I?” at her. She nods, and he takes the gourd gently from her to take a closer look at it.)


SHEPPARD: This is creeping me out.

McKAY (working on a computer): Yeah, reminds me of an old Batman episode, actually. Catwoman used a drug to put a spell on Batman, making him fall in love with her. Ended up doing all sorts of evil things for her. (He straightens up from the computer.) Kind of a turn-on, actually. Julie Newmar in a cat outfit ...

SHEPPARD: Eartha Kitt was Catwoman.

(Rodney smiles smugly.)

McKAY: Not 'til Season three.


McKAY: Yeah. You didn't know that?

(John shakes his head, then looks down at the computer. Rodney continues to look at him. John looks up at him for a moment, then jerks his head down towards the computer. Rodney finally gets the message.)

McKAY: Oh. So, anyway, I did a little investigating, and ... (he pulls up some footage on the screen) ... surveillance footage from his quarters.

(They look at the footage of Lucius taking the glass vial from his bag and drinking the contents. As he tilts the vial to his lips, Rodney freezes the footage, then zooms in on Lucius as he drinks.)

SHEPPARD: What's this? (He points to the vial.)

McKAY: Ah. I took the liberty of searching his room, hmm? (He picks up the glass vial from the table.) There's some residue from the liquid still in the vial. It'll take some time to break it down. I could have used Carson's help on this, but...

SHEPPARD: ... he's off picking daffodils for his new friend.

McKAY: Right.

CONTROL ROOM. Radek is showing Lucius one of the computer screens, calling up (presumably) the long range sensors. Elizabeth stands nearby, smiling proudly.

LUCIUS: That's brilliant.

ZELENKA: This is actually how we found your planet.

LUCIUS: So you just fly to a planet, you take the Gate, you fly away.

WEIR: Well, we try to take Stargates that are in fixed orbit around a planet, and then only if the planet is uninhabited. Obviously, it wouldn't be right to take a Gate from a world that depended on it for trade.

(Lucius looks at the map on the screen.)

LUCIUS: Wait a minute. (He points at the screen.) I've heard of this planet.

WEIR: You have?

LUCIUS: Yeah, I have. And I heard that this planet is completely uninhabited. It's what I heard. I don't know about you guys, but I've got a good feeling about this planet.

WEIR: Well, then, we could retrofit the Gate for space deployment.

(Lucius turns to her and cups her face with his hand.)

LUCIUS: Beautiful and brilliant. (Elizabeth simpers.) The two Bs.

(Unnoticed by the others, John has come into the room. He glares at the way that Elizabeth is behaving.)

SHEPPARD: Doctor Weir.

(Elizabeth turns to him, smiling happily.)

WEIR: Oh, hi, John. We were just discussing the Gate harvesting programme.

SHEPPARD: Yeah, I heard.

WEIR: And Lucius knows of an excellent planet we should investigate.

SHEPPARD: I heard that, too. We got intel that the Wraith recently set up a major outpost there. An alliance of three hives.

LUCIUS (seemingly shocked): No. Really?

WEIR: Has your intel been verified?

SHEPPARD: We haven't put boots on the ground, no, but our contacts are trustworthy. I'm not gonna send a team down there -- not when there's still plenty of Gates to scout.

WEIR: John, you are way behind Rodney's quota.

SHEPPARD: Forget Rodney's quota. I am not sending a team into harm's way.

LUCIUS: You know what? Colonel Sheppard is right. Don't get me wrong -- with all your advanced weapons, you could easily dispose of a tiny Wraith outpost, if there even is an outpost, but ultimately, is it worth the risk, no matter how small that risk may be? (He turns to Elizabeth and Radek.) I mean, sure, people may label you a coward ...

SHEPPARD: Will you knock it off?!

WEIR: Colonel. I think it's worth investigating.

SHEPPARD: No. I won't allow it.

WEIR (turning to him): John, are you questioning my authority?

SHEPPARD: When it comes to the security of this base, you're damned right I am. (He walks closer to her.) From now on, no-one goes through that Gate without my authorisation.

(He turns and walks away. Lucius shakes his head sadly.)

LUCIUS: What a terrible cold he must have.

WEIR (putting her hand on his arm): This is not like him, Lucius. I apologise.

LUCIUS: He makes me uncomfortable.

WEIR: He's really a good man.

LUCIUS: I don't see it. (He makes a negative sound.) If he doesn't come around, you're going to have to do something.

RODNEY'S LAB. Rodney has got the last of the liquid from Lucius' glass vial in a syringe. He squirts it onto a tray which then retracts into a medical device of some sort. He presses some buttons on it, then looks up as John comes in.

SHEPPARD: Elizabeth wants to send a team to check out a Gate at a suspected Wraith outpost.

McKAY: What, is she nuts?

SHEPPARD: Everybody's nuts, Rodney. Haven't you noticed?

McKAY: Right.

SHEPPARD: You need to figure out why without drawing too much attention.

McKAY: I am working on it, but there's not enough of the liquid to work with. I need more.

SHEPPARD: I'll go back to Lucius' village. I'm sure he keeps a stash there. I'll just grab some.

McKAY: What, you're leaving me here alone?

SHEPPARD: You said you need the liquid.

McKAY: Yeah, but the place is turning into a nuthouse!

SHEPPARD: Somebody's got to stay. Just keep away from the nuts. And you've gotta disable the D.H.D. as soon as I'm gone to prevent anybody from dialling out, OK?

(Coughing convulsively, he leaves the lab as Rodney sighs in resignation.)

LUCIUS' PLANET. John walks into the village square to find a very different atmosphere to the last time he was there. The villagers are wandering around, disorientated and looking unwell. Their brightly coloured clothes are covered with cloaks, as if they are feeling cold. Some of them are whimpering. They stare at John distrustfully as he walks past them. He spots Willa up ahead. She too has a cloak around her.


WILLA: Sheppard. (She calls out to the other villagers.) Sheppard!

SHEPPARD: Are you alright?

WILLA: Where is he?


WILLA: Did you take him? (She backs away from him a little, looking nervous.) Of course, if you did, we're not angry.

SHEPPARD: He came to my planet on his own.

WIFE 2: Please send him back. It hurts us to be away from him for so long.

SHEPPARD: Have you always felt this way about him?

WILLA: No, but one day, as he returned from trading his wares with a distant people, he told me a story -- a wonderful, wise, sweet story about something he accidentally stepped in.

WIFE 2: And from that day forward, we saw him for the wonderful man he truly is.

SHEPPARD: And before that?

WILLA (bowing her head): I am ashamed to admit that I refused to share his bed more than once ...

(Wife 2 puts her hand on her shoulder comfortingly as John grimaces.)

WILLA: ... and since he has gone, everyone is growing sick. It has only gotten worse.

SHEPPARD: Take it easy. Have you ever seen him drink a ... a liquid from a small vial?

WILLA: His daily medicine.

WIFE 2: Does he need more? I could bring it to him.

WILLA: We both can.

SHEPPARD: I can handle it.

WILLA: If we get you some, will you bring him home?


(The two women hurry off.)


TECHNICIAN: Incoming wormhole. Colonel Sheppard's I.D.C.

(John comes through the Gate. As he walks into the Gateroom, he can hear Lucius' voice. He looks up and sees him sitting on the desk in Elizabeth's office with Rodney, who is sitting in a chair and giggling hysterically as Lucius tells him a story. John looks concerned, realising that he's now on his own.)

LUCIUS: And the next day she became my wife -- my fifth wife -- and now I have six!

(Rodney laughs in delight.)

McKAY: You are a scoundrel, you know that? It's what you are. (He looks up as John walks in.) Sheppard, come here. You've got to hear this. Lucius was just telling the most hysterical story. Do you know that they have marmots on his planet? Well, they're not marmots, exactly, but it's a rodent very similar to the marmot ...

SHEPPARD (interrupting): I thought you said you were going to stay away from the nuts.

McKAY: Yes, well, I tried to keep to myself, but Lucius here was concerned for me, so he just came down, Ronon held me against the wall, and Lucius and I had a nice, long talk.

SHEPPARD: Oh, you did?

McKAY: And let me tell you, we have nothing to worry about with this guy. This guy's just a big knucklehead, aren't you, you big knucklehead?! (He pummels Lucius' arm as they both laugh.)

SHEPPARD: Where's Elizabeth?

LUCIUS: She's out making me something to eat.


LUCIUS: I don't know. She said it was a surprise. So Rodney and I were waiting here for the team to return. We thought that you were them.

McKAY: Teyla, Ronon and Beckett. They volunteered to check out M6H-491.

SHEPPARD: I told you ...

McKAY (grinning): ... to disable the D.H.D. I know. I'm sorry. I didn't. But come on -- Ronon and Teyla. I mean, they can handle themselves.

SHEPPARD: Well, what about Beckett?

McKAY: Oh, he ... now, he can walk on his hands. Did you know that? Yeah, he was showing Lucius just before he left. You should have seen it. He was down on his hands ...

(He bends down, puts his hands on the floor and tries to kick his feet up into a handstand.)

SHEPPARD (angrily): McKay!

McKAY (standing up again): Well, we don't know for sure that there are even Wraith on the planet. (He grins at Lucius.) We'll find out soon enough, though, won't we?

LUCIUS: We sure will.

(He and Rodney grin happily at John.)

LATER. The Stargate is open and Carson's voice can be heard over comms.

BECKETT: Atlantis, this is Beckett! We're coming in hot!

(Marines race into the Gateroom, aiming their weapons. Three blasts, probably Wraith stunner blasts, come through the Gate and impact against the wall. Lucius, John, Rodney and Elizabeth, coming down the stairs, duck. Rodney and Elizabeth make sure that Lucius is alright and help him as they continue down the stairs. Carson, Teyla and Ronon run through the Gate, laughing happily even as Ronon, who is running backwards, fires back into the event horizon. All of them are carrying bags full of some kind of plant. They turn to face the others, still giggling, as the Gate shuts down. Lucius, Rodney and Elizabeth grin at them happily. John looks a lot more concerned.)

SHEPPARD: You alright?

DEX (grinning): Yeah, it was a little rough, but we're good.

BECKETT: It was all terribly exciting.

SHEPPARD: Well, I guess we can assume there are Wraith on that planet. (He turns to Lucius and glares at him.)

TEYLA (smiling): Yes. Many.

WEIR: Now, don't overreact, John.

SHEPPARD: Are you kidding me? You send a team led by Beckett to a planet full of Wraith. How do you expect me to react?

WEIR: Well, firstly, they volunteered.

BECKETT: And secondly, we got the herb!

(He, Teyla and Ronon triumphantly hold up the bags they're holding. Everybody except John breaks into a round of applause.)

LUCIUS: Carson, I will tell people of the tale of your bravery for many years to come.

BECKETT (walking towards him in delight): You will?!

LUCIUS: Yes, I will!

(They hug, Lucius pounding Carson's back enthusiastically.)

SHEPPARD (to Lucius in disbelief): You sent them to get an herb?

TEYLA (smiling): We wanted to go.

(John smiles, but his is a smile of fury.)

SHEPPARD: OK. I've just about had enough.

(He walks towards the offworld team, presumably intending to grab the bags they're carrying, but instantly Ronon cocks his blaster and aims it at him.)

McKAY: Whoa.

DEX: Don't touch it.

(Elizabeth walks forward and gestures to Ronon to lower his blaster. She turns to John.)

WEIR: What on Earth is wrong with you, John? We were just helping a friend, and there's nothing wrong with that.

(Lucius leans over to Rodney and speaks quietly to him.)

LUCIUS: I think there's something wrong with him.

McKAY (looking at John suspiciously): Hmm.

(John, realising that he's on his own, thinks quickly.)

SHEPPARD: You know what? I'm just tired. It's this damned cold. (He turns to Lucius.) I apologise.

(Lucius smiles sweetly at him.)

WEIR: Maybe you should get some rest.

SHEPPARD: You're probably right. I just need a good night's sleep.

(Elizabeth nods at him, smiling. John turns and leaves the Gateroom as the marines look at him suspiciously. At the doorway, he turns and looks back at everyone watching him. He leaves the room.)

JUMPER BAY. Lucius is sitting in the pilot's seat of a Puddle Jumper while Rodney and Carson stand nearby, eagerly explaining how everything works.

LUCIUS: So, what does this do?

McKAY: That engages the H.U.D. -- stands for Heads-Up Display.

LUCIUS: “Heads-Up” ... (he giggles) ... I love that!

(The other two laugh.)

BECKETT: It gives me whatever information I need when flying the Jumper: navigation, weapons ...

LUCIUS: You fly this thing?

McKAY (quickly): I can fly it, too.

BECKETT: Yes, now that you received the A.T.A. therapy, which I invented. (To Lucius) I was actually born with the gene, which makes me much more proficient at operating Ancient technology.

McKAY: It does not. He doesn't fly this thing any better than I do.

BECKETT: Don't you lie to Lucius ...!

(They start to bicker until Lucius intervenes.)

LUCIUS: Boys, stop fighting. A gene, you say?

BECKETT: It's a genetic fingerprint, if you will, which allows someone such as me to operate any technology on Atlantis. I developed an inoculation which allows those who don't naturally possess the gene, such as Doctor McKay, to be able to use some of it as well. (He smiles smugly.)

LUCIUS: Really? A gene, huh? An inoculation, huh? That's great.

(Carson giggles in delight. Desperate to get Lucius' attention, Rodney butts in.)

McKAY: You know what's really interesting? (He points to a control on the console.) If you look at this down here ...

LATER. INFIRMARY. Carson is looking into a scanner. John, hovering nervously in the doorway, calls out quietly to him.


(Carson straightens up and looks across to him.)

SHEPPARD: Could I speak with you for a sec?

BECKETT (to his assistant): Excuse me.

(He walks over to John, who is doing a good job of looking sheepish, and puts his hands sternly behind his back as if waiting for John to apologise to him.)

SHEPPARD: I ... think there might be something wrong with me.

(Carson relaxes, smiles and puts a hand on John's shoulder.)

BECKETT (softly): It's alright, son. Admitting it is the first step.

(John hesitates as a couple of medical staff walk past. Carson smiles, assuming that he's too embarrassed to talk about it in front of others. Playing on this, John jerks his head to indicate that they should step outside. The men walk into the next room.)

BECKETT: So you finally came around, did you? (John shrugs as they continue to walk.) You see, once you get a chance to know Lucius, he's really a very wise and kind ...

(John pulls a Wraith stunner pistol out of his jacket and turns, firing it at Carson.)

BECKETT (as the blast hits him): Oh crap.

(He convulses and starts to collapse. John grabs him, holding him up as he looks around nervously to see whether anyone in the next room heard the blast, then drags Carson away.)

CONTROL ROOM. Rodney looks at a console in concern.

McKAY: Why is the Jumper Bay roof opening? (He looks at the readouts.) Jumper Three is starting up. Who's in it?

(The technician looks at his own console, then turns to Rodney.)

TECHNICIAN: I don't know.

(Rodney activates his headset radio.)

McKAY: Jumper Three, please identify.

(There's no reply.)

McKAY: Jumper Three, this is Flight. Identify yourself.

(Still no reply. Rodney points at the technician.)

McKAY: Look, close the door.

TECHNICIAN: It's too late. It's left the Bay.

JUMPER THREE. The Jumper flies over the ocean, cloaking. Inside, his hands tied in front of him, Carson groans as he wakes up to find himself sitting in one of the seats in the cockpit. John looks round at him.

SHEPPARD: Hey, Carson. Sorry about that.

BECKETT: What? Why are ...?

SHEPPARD: I'm taking you to the mainland. It's for your own good. Trust me.

(Carson grimaces, trying to pull his hands free of their tethers.)

ATLANTIS. Elizabeth and Lucius are walking along a corridor.

LUCIUS: How often does that happen?

WEIR: This has never happened before. Now, we have very, very strict flight protocols.

LUCIUS: He'd have to have a key or something ...

(Teyla hurries over to them.)

TEYLA: A security officer saw Colonel Sheppard carrying Doctor Beckett toward the Jumper Bay moments before the Jumper took off.

LUCIUS: So it was them in the flying machine?

(Rodney arrives.)

McKAY: My computer's missing! A tablet, two drives, all of my research.

LUCIUS: I told you that man was dangerous. I have to say, Liz, I am very disappointed right now.

(Distraught, Elizabeth turns and puts her hands on his chest in anguish.)

WEIR: I am so very sorry, Lucius. (She turns to Teyla.) Mobilise Jumper teams. I want them found.


(She hurries away as Elizabeth turns back to Lucius, fiddling with his shirt.)

WEIR: They're very good. They will find them.

LUCIUS: I hope so.

JUMPER THREE. NIGHT TIME. The Jumper has now landed on the mainland. John is working on a computer tablet, coughing. Carson sits in his seat, looking plaintive.

BECKETT: I need to get back.

SHEPPARD: No, you don't.

BECKETT: Lucius needs me. You had no right to abduct me like this.

SHEPPARD: Call it an intervention. You probably don't realise it right now, but what you're going through is kind of like a ... a detox. (He coughs and turns to Carson as he looks at Rodney's computer.) Now, according to the research Rodney was able to do before joining the Lucius fan club, that liquid he's been drinking contains some kind of a chemical. It interacts with the body and causes a secretion of a pheromone ... and then there's something about gamma activity in the prefrontral cortrex.

BECKETT (correcting him): Prefrontal cortex -- the part of the brain responsible for positive emotions.

SHEPPARD: See? That's why I need you. It seems that when people are exposed to this pheromone in close proximity, it makes them, uh ... easy to influence, and the longer they're exposed, the worse the addiction gets.

BECKETT (looking interested): You mean literally an addictive personality?

SHEPPARD: That's what it looks like.

BECKETT (indignantly): It's rubbish!

SHEPPARD: Check for yourself. I will bet you a year's pay that the liquid in that vial is some kind of an extract made from the herb that you collected for him. He made you his mule.

BECKETT: If this is true, why weren't you affected?

SHEPPARD: My cold. I can hardly breathe. Plus I haven't been around him much. Look -- I would just kidnap him and take him away somewhere until the pheromone wore off, but the people back on his home planet are starting to get sick, and it looks like they're gonna get worse before they get better. I don't want to put our people through that.

BECKETT (hysterically): You're doing it to me right now!

(John stares at him angrily for a moment, then slaps him hard on the shoulder.)


SHEPPARD: Buck up, Carson! You haven't been exposed that long. (He grabs the front of his jacket.) Look, I need you to figure out a way how to counteract this thing. There's got to be an antidote of some kind.

(They stare at each other for a moment.)

BECKETT: I can't.

SHEPPARD: Yes, you can. You can beat it.

BECKETT (tearfully): But he needs me.

(He bows his head and starts to sob. John stares at him in disbelief.)

JUMPER TWO. Rodney is piloting while Teyla sits in the co-pilot's seat and Ronon stands between them. The Jumper is searching the mainland.

McKAY: We should head back. We've been searching for hours.

DEX: We just left, McKay.

McKAY: I don't like being this far away from Atlantis. Lucius is probably worried. (He looks up at Ronon.) You think he's worried?

WEIR (over radio): Jumper Two, report?

TEYLA: We're reading several life signs, but they might be Athosian hunting parties. We're going to go check them out.

McKAY: Is Lucius worried about us?

WEIR (apparently turning to ask him): Lucius? ... He's fine. Just keep looking.

(Rodney shakes his head sadly.)

McKAY: I should have stayed with him.

MAINLAND. John and Carson have left the Jumper. A small fire is burning on the ground. Carson, his hands still tied in front of him, is kneeling on the ground and holding Rodney's computer tablet and reading it while John sits nearby.

BECKETT: Wait just a minute.

SHEPPARD: What is it?

(At that moment, the familiar sound of Ronon's blaster firing up can be heard, and the blaster comes into view, pointing at the back of John's head.)

DEX (ominously): Don't move.

(Teyla comes out of the trees, aiming her P90 at John. John holds his arms out to the side and slowly begins to stand up.)

SHEPPARD: That thing is set to stun, right?

DEX: Yeah.

(John turns slowly to face Ronon.)


(He lunges at Ronon, who instantly fires. John crashes to the ground. Teyla takes out a knife and goes over to Carson to cut his hands free.)

TEYLA: Carson, are you alright?

BECKETT: I will be, once I get back to Lucius.

(He smiles at her in delight, then looks up as Rodney comes out of the trees. Rodney looks at John lying on the ground, then looks at Ronon.)

McKAY: What did you shoot him for?

(Ronon just looks at him. Rodney rolls his eyes in resignation.)

McKAY: Now we're going to have to carry him all the way back to the Jumper.

ATLANTIS. BRIG. John is in the cell, although the forcefield is not on. He is pacing around the cell but stops as the door opens and Lucius, wearing an Atlantean headset, walks in. John rolls his eyes and sits down on the floor in the middle of the cell.

LUCIUS: Good morning, Colonel. (He gestures to the bars of the cell as he walks over.) I want to apologise for this harsh treatment. I hate that Elizabeth had to do this.

SHEPPARD: Cut the crap.

(Lucius smiles as he leans on the bars.)

SHEPPARD: So ... that herb of yours.

LUCIUS: One of my greatest discoveries. Well, it's my only great discovery, but you've got to admit, it's pretty great.

SHEPPARD: How did you get by before that?

LUCIUS: I was a baker. Bread, mostly. The occasional muffin at festival time.

SHEPPARD: So that herb pretty much changed everything.

(Lucius chuckles.)

LUCIUS: Yeah. (He pulls up a chair outside the cell and sits down.) Yeah, I baked it into my own bread -- I like to experiment -- and I noticed that people started to like me ... well, hate me less, but pretty soon it became like. So I perfected a potion. It worked great for years. Then the Wraith set up an outpost on the only planet where I could get the herb. I knew I could never go back there.

SHEPPARD: 'Til we showed up.

LUCIUS (smiling): I'm telling you, it was fate. And everybody wanted to help, so I let them. See, that's the great thing about this herb. Nobody gets hurt. They just want to help me all the time. What's wrong with that? I'm a nice guy. I never make them do anything they didn't wanna do.

SHEPPARD (pointedly): Six wives.

LUCIUS (raising his eyebrows and smiling wickedly at John): Sometimes all at once.

(John looks like he's trying not to throw up.)

LUCIUS (standing up): You know, when you get over this cold, you and I are gonna have a long chat, face to face, and I've got a feeling we're gonna become the best of friends, and you're gonna want to help me, too, all the time ... (he grins at John) ... and you'll love it.

SHEPPARD: Just a warning, Lucius: you get too close to me, it'll be the last thing you do.

LUCIUS: That's alright, Colonel. I'm in no rush.

BECKETT (over radio): Lucius?

LUCIUS (activating his headset): Yeah, go ahead, Carson.

BECKETT: I've finished preparing the inoculation.

LUCIUS: Alright, I'll be right down. (To John) I've got to go get an inoculation. We'll talk after.

SHEPPARD: He's giving you the A.T.A. therapy?

LUCIUS: Yeah. (He leans down and grins at John.) Isn't that great?

INFIRMARY. Lucius is sitting on a bed as Carson finishes giving him the inoculation. Elizabeth and Rodney are hovering anxiously nearby.

BECKETT: There. All done. Now remember, it's only effective in forty-seven percent of those who receive it.

LUCIUS: Well, I'm a naturally lucky fella.

WEIR: The only way to know for sure is to have you try to operate something.


(He tries to get off the bed but seems to be having difficulty. Carson eases him back down.)

BECKETT: It takes about an hour to be effective. In the meantime, just rest easy, dear friend.

(He moves away from the bed as Rodney rushes in and helps Lucius to lie down.)

McKAY: Are you feeling OK? Can I get you anything?

LUCIUS: No, Rodney. I'm fine.

McKAY: You sure?

LUCIUS: Absolutely.

McKAY: Because it would be no trouble.

LUCIUS: Mess hall. Blue jello. Just a little bit of whipped cream.

McKAY: Right away.

(He rushes off. Lucius reaches up to put his hand over Elizabeth's, which is resting on his shoulder. Elizabeth, who was watching Rodney leave, turns in delight at his touch.)

LUCIUS: We really should talk about marriage.

(Elizabeth smiles with joy.)

LATER. In the Control Room, everyone is gathered excitedly as Rodney, smiling in delight, speaks into the comms.

McKAY: Jumper One, this is Flight. The Bay doors are open. You are go for launch.

(In Jumper One, Lucius is sitting in the pilot's seat.)

LUCIUS: “Go for launch.” (He chuckles.) That's so exciting.

(Carson pats him on the shoulder and takes his place in the co-pilot's seat.)

LUCIUS: Thanks, Rodney! Alright, here goes.

(Suddenly John appears behind him, rips his headset out of his ear and wrestles him out of the chair.)

SHEPPARD: I'll take it from here.

LUCIUS: Wait -- you're supposed to be in jail.

(John starts to tie Lucius' hands behind his back. Lucius turns to Carson pleadingly.)

LUCIUS: Carson.

BECKETT: Save your breath. Your charm no longer has any effect on me.

(John has finished tying Lucius' hands and now pushes him into the co-pilot's seat which Carson has vacated.)

LUCIUS: No, no, but Carson, we're supposed to be best of friends.

SHEPPARD (taking the pilot's seat): Carson didn't give you the A.T.A. gene.


BECKETT: I'm afraid it's a serum that effectively neutralises the chemical in that herb of yours. Took some myself.


(Carson smiles and leaves the Jumper. Lucius turns to John as he fires up the Jumper.)

LUCIUS: I don't know what that means.

SHEPPARD: It means we can have that face-to-face conversation you always wanted us to have. The only thing that will happen is you'll catch my cold.

CONTROL ROOM. Everyone is waiting anxiously.

McKAY: What is taking him so long? OK, I should go up there.

(He starts to leave the room but just then a console beeps.)

WEIR: Wait! Wait! They're taking off!

(Everyone smiles in delight and they all race to the outside balcony. They gaze up into the sky.)

McKAY: It worked!

(They watch joyfully as the Jumper soars up into the sky.)

WEIR (her hands clasped in front of her as she gazes up into the sky): He's flying it.

ZELENKA (in Czech, as he gazes upwards, almost in tears of joy): He flies. He flies so beautifully!

McKAY (gazing upwards adoringly): Fly, Lucius. Fly.


LUCIUS: Where are you taking me?

SHEPPARD: Little vacation. Just enough time to let Doctor Beckett give the serum to the rest of my people without you interfering.

LUCIUS: And then what?

SHEPPARD: Then maybe I'll take you back home. I'm sure your people will be thrilled to see you again.

LUCIUS: You would do that for me? Without even being under the effect of the herb? After all I did?

SHEPPARD: Well, I'm a nice guy.

LUCIUS: Oh, Colonel, I can't thank you enough. Thank you so much ...

SHEPPARD (interrupting): After I give them the serum.

(Lucius' face falls.)


ATLANTIS. Team Sheppard returns through the Gate and trots up the stairs to the Control Room. Elizabeth and Carson meet them at the top.

WEIR: So, how was Lucius' homecoming?

SHEPPARD: Well, they didn't kill him, although I do see a string of divorces in his future.

DEX: That's if they haven't strung him up first.

McKAY: Well, the townspeople are over their withdrawal and on the mend, so I doubt that will happen.

TEYLA: That is, unless we discover he's revealed the location of Atlantis to anyone.

DEX: In which case I said I would track him down, hang him by his feet, and cut off his ...

WEIR: Thank you! We get the idea.

(Ronon and Teyla smile at each other.)

SHEPPARD (to Elizabeth): So everyone here, uh, back to normal?

(Carson nods, and he and Elizabeth exchange an embarrassed glance.)

WEIR: We're still fine, John.

SHEPPARD: No lingering desires? Secret longings for his touch?!

BECKETT: It's embarrassing enough without you constantly reminding us, thank you.

SHEPPARD: Alright, alright. (He turns to Rodney and taps him on the shoulder.) Hey, buddy, I'd better get back and clean your quarters before the next scout.

(He pats him on the shoulder again and runs off down the stairs. Elizabeth and Carson stare in shock, while Rodney looks nervous.)

McKAY: Right.

(He quickly turns to leave, but Teyla and Ronon move to block his path, Teyla staring at him in horror.)

WEIR (sternly): Rodney.

(Rodney turns back to face her.)

McKAY: It was one teeny, tiny taste, for research purposes.

WEIR: Burn it.

BECKETT: All of it.

WEIR: Right now.

McKAY: Fine. (He turns away sulkily.) Story of my life.

(He goes to walk past Teyla and Ronon, who have opened up a gap again for him, but pauses to give Teyla a long, lingering smile before walking away. Teyla looks appalled. Elizabeth and Carson exchange a glance before watching Rodney walk away.)