Citizen Joe

Transcript

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A barber from Indiana confronts Jack O'Neill, claiming that he has been seeing visions of SG-1's missions over the last seven years.

EPISODE #815
ORIGINAL AIR DATE: 02.18.05
DVD DISC: Season 8, Disc 4
DIRECTED BY: Andy Mikita
STORY BY: Robert C. Cooper
TELEPLAY BY: Damian Kindler
EXCERPTS WRITTEN BY: Robert C. Cooper, James Crocker, Peter DeLuise, Jonathan Glassner, V.C. James, Damian Kindler, Joseph Mallozzi, Paul Mullie, Brad Wright
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Transcript by Callie Sullivan

JACK'S HOUSE. Jack comes in with a couple of bags of shopping in one hand and his cellphone in the other. He's talking to Sam on the phone.

CARTER (over phone): How about Monday morning?

O'NEILL: No, I have a thing with someone from C.I.A., a Johnson someone or other. It's about that whole Kinsey thing.

CARTER: So, any big plans for the weekend?

O'NEILL (walking into the kitchen and putting the bags down): Oh yeah. Big. Huge!

(We see that Sam is at S.G.C., using one of the phones in a corridor.)

CARTER: Yeah, me neither.

O'NEILL: What are you talkin' about? I just walked in with a whole handful of ingredients for my world-famous omelet.

CARTER: World-famous, huh? What's in it?

O'NEILL (taking some bottles of beer out of one of the shopping bags): Eggs.

CARTER: I don't think that that actually qualifies as a recipe.

O'NEILL: Oh, don't kid yourself. There's a secret ingredient. I can't tell you what it is or I'd have to shoot you.

CARTER (who has heard Jack putting the beer bottles onto the kitchen table): It's beer, isn't it?

O'NEILL: Carter ...

(At that moment, a middle-aged man bursts through the kitchen door, pointing a pistol at Jack.)

O'NEILL: ... let me call you back.

CARTER: I knew it!

(She hangs up. In the kitchen, Jack looks at the man, whose hand is shaking as he points the gun.)

O'NEILL: Hullo.

MAN: You're Jack O'Neill.

O'NEILL: Yes. Here's a better question: who are you?

MAN: It doesn't matter -- to anyone. All you need to know is (his voice breaks and he speaks tearfully) you ruined my life.


SEVEN YEARS AGO.

The man, Joe, and his wife Charlene are browsing around a garage sale.

CHARLENE: We should have gotten here earlier, when the real deals were still available.

JOE: Honey, it's seven a.m.!

CHARLENE: Joe, start over there and see if you can find a lamp that would work in the TV room. (As Joe heads in the direction she pointed, she spots something else.) Oh, my lord, look! They have those old English tea tins!

(Joe wanders around the sale, looking at various things, opening a small booklet, then putting it down again. Then he sees a small statue of a woman holding a basket. Lying in the basket is a small black stone with some markings on it. Curious, he picks up the stone. As he holds it and looks at it, he suddenly stares upwards in surprise as he gets a vision of the Stargate kawooshing. The vision continues ...)

FOOTAGE FROM "WITHIN THE SERPENT'S GRASP". SG-1 are in the Control Room, having sealed off the area and then dialed out against orders.

VOICE OVER TANNOY: Security breached.

JACKSON: They just got Corridor C-9 open.

O'NEILL: Alright, let's go.

(The team runs into the Gate Room and through the Gate. We see wormhole travel, then the vision ends.)

GARAGE SALE. Joe blinks, then turns around to the man who is running the sale.

JOE: Excuse me. (He points to the stone.) How much?


A BARBERSHOP called "STYLIN' JOE." Joe, who is obviously the head barber and owns the shop, is cutting a man's hair. Nearby sit his colleague Bert and their young assistant Gordie.

JOE: So, there's this fella who walks into a bar and he sees an ape sitting there ... sorry, no. He sees a gorilla. That's it, right! There's this gorilla sitting there drinking a coke. So he says to the bartender, "Hey! What's with that gorilla drinking that drink?" Well, the bartender says, "Yeah, that ape usually orders a coke!" (Bert and Gordie look at him blankly.) I mean "a beer" -- "usually orders a beer."

BERT: Boss, is it an ape or a gorilla, cos they're completely different species, you know?

JOE: It doesn't matter. It could be a monkey. The point is ...

CUSTOMER (FRED): The point is, Joe, it's a good thing you can cut hair!

(Everyone chuckles.)

JOE: Yeah, yeah, very good, Fred.

FRED: Are we about done here?

JOE: All set. (He finishes brushing the cut hair off Fred's robe, then whisks the robe off him.)

FRED (standing up): Cos someone, somewhere out there, needs themselves a new car -- whether they know it or not, you know what I mean?! (He takes some money out of his pocket, then raises his hands in front of him.) I feel the power to sell moving through me today! (He tucks the money into Joe's shirt pocket.) Boys, been a slice.

JOE: Thanks, Fred.

BERT: See you, Fred.

(Fred leaves the barbershop. Joe reaches into his shirt pocket for the money, and has another vision.)


FOOTAGE FROM "WITHIN THE SERPENT'S GRASP." In the Gate Room on the Goa'uld mothership, SG-1 are in hiding. Jaffa soldiers, priests and priestesses turn to face the sarcophagus in the middle of the room. Apophis' voice can be heard.

APOPHIS: Bow down now. Show your reverence for my son -- (Klorel stands in the sarcophagus as everyone bows before him) the mighty warrior, Klorel.

KLOREL: Kel, Apophis.

(In the barbershop, Joe looks startled. He looks round the shop and sees Gordie sweeping up hair as if nothing unusual has happened. Joe pulls his fingers out of his shirt pocket to find himself holding the stone he bought at the garage sale.)


JOE'S HOUSE. Joe, Charlene and their young son Andy are sitting down to dinner.

CHARLENE: Oh, we are reading the best book in Book Club this week. It's called "The Heart of a Woman". It is such a powerful story! Oh, every time I think about it, I just ...

JOE (interrupting): Wanna hear a story?

CHARLENE: Oh, sure, dear. I'm sorry -- what happened to you today at the shop?

JOE: No, it's not work-related. I have a story!

CHARLENE: What do you mean?

JOE: You know, like in those books you read, only ... different.

CHARLENE: OK, sure.

JOE: It's about a team of adventurers known as SG-1. They travel to other planets through an alien device known as a Stargate. Their leader is the fearless Colonel Jack ...


FOOTAGE FROM "WITHIN THE SERPENT'S GRASP."

TEAL'C: O'Neill, prepare yourself for ...

(The mothership decelerates, and Jack is thrown forward and crashes into the control console.)

TEAL'C: ... extreme deceleration.

O'NEILL: Yeah, thanks, Teal'c! (He stands up and looks out of the front viewscreen. His face shows shock as he realizes that the mothership is passing Saturn.)

KLOREL: You will get to see your home one last time before you and everyone on your planet are destroyed, and your kind will disturb the Goa'uld no more.


JOE'S KITCHEN.

ANDY: So who are the Goa'uld again?

JOE: The bad guys.

CHARLENE: And this Skaara character?

ANDY: Yeah -- I thought you said his name was Klorel?

JOE: I know it's a little complicated. Just wait -- I haven't gotten to the good part yet!


FOOTAGE FROM "WITHIN THE SERPENT'S GRASP." Klorel is holding Daniel in the grip of a ribbon device. Jack aims a pistol at him.

O'NEILL: Skaara!

(Klorel continues blasting Daniel. With no choice, Jack shoots Skaara twice. He drops to the ground. Daniel breathes shakily, trying to pull himself together. Jack runs over to Skaara and turns him over onto his back.)

O'NEILL: Oh, Skaara. I'm sorry.


JOE'S KITCHEN.

ANDY: That's it?!

JOE: I think so -- for now, anyways.

ANDY: What happens to Earth?

JOE: I don't know ... I mean, uh, I-I haven't figured that part out yet.

ANDY: Well, you gotta finish it, Dad, you can't just end a story in the middle.

JOE: I tell you what -- you get all your chores done and I'll finish the story tomorrow.

ANDY: Chores?! What are we, Amish?!

CHARLENE: Andy!

JOE (to Andy): Go do your homework.

(Andy leaves the table.)

CHARLENE: He's gotten so precocious.

JOE: You hated it, didn't you?

CHARLENE: Well, you know I'm not the biggest science fiction fan, but no, no, it was ... it was just so ... detailed. How'd you come up with it?

JOE: Honestly, I don't know, I ... it just sort of popped into my head.

CHARLENE: That's amazing, really.

JOE: What didn't you like about it?

CHARLENE: Don't get me wrong -- it was exciting. It's just that personally I like stories that are more about inter-personal relations, and a little less to do with things blowing up.


BARBERSHOP. The next day.

JOE: A giant fireball in the night sky! (He gestures dramatically. Bert and Gordie try to look politely interested.)

FRED: You say these folks are a military unit?

(Fred is lying back in the barber's chair with his face covered in shaving cream. Joe is holding a cut-throat razor.)

JOE: Yeah -- they're part of the U.S. Air Force.

FRED: But they travel to other planets?

JOE: Through the Stargate.

GORDIE: Which is a time-travel machine.

JOE: It's an alien device that creates a stable wormhole allowing instantaneous travel to other worlds. Time has nothing to do with it.

(Bert raises his hand.)

BERT: Boss -- a question. Uh, these Goold ...

JOE (pronouncing it correctly): Goa'uld.

BERT: Goa'oo ...

JOE: Goa'uld.

BERT: Never mind. The bad guys. You said they've got snakes in their heads?

JOE: Symbiotes, yes.

GORDIE: And what about the fellows with the ones in their bellies?

JOE: They're different -- they're called Jaffa. They incubate the symbiotes until they're ready for implantation. (He gestures to his head.)

FRED: Now, you see, Joe, that's confusing.

BERT: He's right, boss. Why can't there be just one kind of bad guy, you know, the snake goes in their head, makes them evil, the end.

FRED: Call 'em the snake people!

GORDIE: Yeah, snake people's good.

BERT: Yeah.

JOE: They're not called the snake people! They're called the Goa'uld! And the Jaffa aren't bad guys -- they're enslaved warriors who mistakenly believe that the Goa'uld are their gods. And it's not confusing -- it's complex!

(All through this rant, he is waving his cut-throat razor around. Fred watches it nervously. As Joe finishes his tirade, he realizes that everyone is staring at him. He looks down and realizes how close he is holding the razor to Fred's face.)

FRED: Uh -- edge of my seat, the whole time!


JOE'S HOUSE. Joe is on the phone. A man answers.

OPERATOR: United States Air Force -- how may I direct your call?

JOE: Uh, hi. I'm trying to reach one of your officers: a Colonel Jack O'Neill, two els?

OPERATOR: May I have your name, please, and the nature of your call?

JOE: My name?

OPERATOR: Yes, please.

JOE: Uh, right, right, of course! Uh, my name is Joe ... Smith. Now, listen, I realize Colonel O'Neill is probably unavailable, off on some important mission somewhere, but ... I know this is an odd request, I mean, I don't know if you know Colonel O'Neill personally but ... could you describe him to me, you know -- height, weight, shoe size, sense of humour, that sort of thing?

OPERATOR: Uh, I really can't do that, sir.

JOE: Oh, of course, sure -- national security. Now, am I understanding correctly that there really is a Colonel Jack O'Neill in the Air Force?

OPERATOR: Is there a message you would like to leave for him, sir?

JOE: That's fine, thank you! (He hangs up quickly, then stares in shock at the possibility that Jack O'Neill really does exist.)


ANDY'S BEDROOM. Andy is in bed. Joe is sitting on the bed telling him a bedtime story.

JOE: So, in the end, Rya'c was freed from Apophis' control. Teal'c, Drey'auc and Rya'c were once again a family.

ANDY: But Teal'c is still going back to Stargate Command to fight for the freedom of the Jaffa.

JOE: Yes, of course! He's going to take Drey'auc and Rya'c to a place where they'll be safe.

ANDY: So the Goa'uld won't plant more bombs in Rya'c's teeth?

JOE: That's right. Now, go to sleep. (He leans down and kisses Andy.)

ANDY: Cool story, Dad! (He settles down to sleep. Joe smiles fondly at him, turns the light off and leaves the room.)


T.V. ROOM. Joe is watching a basketball game on the TV. Charlene sits nearby reading a book. She looks up.

CHARLENE: Joe, where do you get these ideas you've had lately?

JOE (shrugging): I don't know.

CHARLENE: Fully-formed ideas, plots, characters, just like that? They just appear in your head?

JOE: Basically.

(Charlene picks up the remote control and turns the TV off. She gets off the sofa, walks over to sit on the footstool in front of Joe and stares at him.)

JOE: Why are you looking at me like that?

CHARLENE: I think you've gotten in touch with your dormant creativity; accessed your wellspring of imagination.

JOE: What?!

CHARLENE: I've read about this happening to other people. You're opening yourself up to your inner muse.

JOE: My inner muse?!

CHARLENE: It's your mid-life crisis.

JOE: It is?

CHARLENE: Except instead of chasing your youth by buying a sports car or going hang gliding, you're seeking immortality through creativity.

JOE: We can't afford a sports car.

CHARLENE: Honey, it's a good thing, especially if it means you're not gonna have an affair with a younger woman. (She turns the TV back on again and goes back to the sofa.)


SIX YEARS AGO: STYLIN' JOE. Joe is cutting a customer's hair while Bert sits in another chair with a newspaper. Gordie is sweeping up.

BERT: Wait a second, wait a second -- you said Teal'c put his face up to that head-grabber thing before O'Neill. Why didn't he get grabbed first?

JOE: Guys, I told you -- save your questions until I finish. Now, what was left of Colonel O'Neill's mind managed to dial a Gate address ... one they had never dialed before.


FOOTAGE FROM "THE FIFTH RACE." Jack flies through the Gate on the Asgard homeworld and rolls down the steps. He looks round and sees two Asgard standing nearby.


STYLIN' JOE.

BERT: The Asgard? Those little grey guys, right.

GORDIE: Shut up and let him finish, Bert!


FOOTAGE FROM "THE FIFTH RACE." Jack squats down in front of the Asgard.

O'NEILL: ... and I don't want to sound ungrateful because I really, really appreciate you getting all that stuff out of my head. But you folks should understand that we're out there now. We might not be ready for a lot of this stuff but we're doin' the best we can.

(One of the Asgard offers its hand. Jack gently takes it.)

ASGARD: You have already taken the first steps towards becoming the fifth race.


STYLIN' JOE.

BERT: Well, what about the Furlings? Are we ever gonna hear about them?

JOE: Oh, of course! I'm sure we'll hear lots of stories about them. (Bert and Gordie frown at each other. Joe realizes what he just said.) I mean, I'll make one up.

GORDIE: Furlings -- they sound cute, like Ewoks!


JOE'S HOUSE. Charlene collects the newspaper from the front step and goes back indoors. Andy is sitting at the kitchen table eating his breakfast.

CHARLENE: Andy, finish up or you're gonna miss your bus, sweetie.

(Joe comes in.)

JOE: Morning.

CHARLENE: Good morning. (She kisses him, then addresses Andy.) And I want that lawn done today, mister. It looks like a wheat field's growing in our back yard.

ANDY: After school, Mom, I promise.

JOE: Son, you get that lawn finished and I'll tell you all about the Re'tu.

ANDY: Cool! (Charlene helps him on with his schoolbag.) See you, Mom, see you, Dad! (He runs out.)

CHARLENE: The Re'tu?

JOE: Foothold situation at the S.G.C.

CHARLENE: Joe, don't take this the wrong way but maybe you should cut back on the storytelling a bit.

JOE: Why?

CHARLENE: Nothing. It's just ... well, I've heard a few comments from people in town.

JOE: People? What people?

CHARLENE: Not everyone wants to hear about Jack O'Neill and SG-1 every time they come in for a haircut.

JOE: They like hearing my stories!

CHARLENE: Maybe they're just being polite, dear. And it's not just at the shop. Sam at the drugstore said you talk his ear off every time you're there; and Marjorie at the bank; and Lenny at the gas station ...

JOE: Charlene, you were the one who told me to follow my muse. Now you want me to stop?

CHARLENE: What if you write them down?

JOE: You mean like a ... writer?

CHARLENE: Put them on paper. You can have them there in the shop like the magazines. That way, if people wanna read them, they can.

(Joe drinks his coffee, thinking about it.)


JOE'S BEDROOM (NIGHT). Charlene is asleep, but Joe is lying awake, holding the stone. He has another vision.


FOOTAGE FROM "1969." In the warehouse where the Stargate is being kept, the Gate is open but SG-1 can't reach it because they're in a firefight with guards. Jack zats one of the guards.

CARTER: Sir, the timing has to be exact. Just a few more seconds.

O'NEILL: It's gonna have to be close enough. Go!

(As Sam, Daniel and Teal'c run for the Gate, the guards fire at them. Jack fires his zat back at them. He runs for the Gate and jumps in.)


JOE'S DINING ROOM (NIGHT). Joe is typing on a laptop computer, narrating aloud as he types.

JOE: Young Lieutenant Hammond faced a tough decision, yet the strange foursome hardly seemed like Soviet spies.

(Charlene comes down the stairs and into the room.)

CHARLENE: Honey, it's three in the morning. Come to bed.

JOE (continuing to type): Just let me finish the story.

CHARLENE: That's what you said last night and the night before that. You've gotta get up in four hours. How are you gonna cut people's hair if you're dead on your feet all day? (Joe carries on typing.) Joe?

JOE: In a minute. (He keeps typing. Charlene stands behind him for a few moments, then reluctantly leaves the room.)


FOOTAGE FROM "A HUNDRED DAYS." Jack and Laira are hugging goodbye.

JOE (narrating): They embraced and he looked into her eyes one last time. He walked away with sadness in his heart and she watched him go, wondering if she would ever see him again. The end.

(In Stylin' Joe, a woman, Cindy, has just had her hair done by Bert. Joe is sitting in the chair next to her, having just narrated the story.)

CINDY (tearfully): That poor woman. Do you think she was with child?

JOE: You'll just have to wait until the sequel.

(As Cindy continues to snivel, Joe holds out a box of tissues. She takes one. Before Joe can take the box back, Bert takes a tissue as well.)

JOE: You've gotta be kidding me!

BERT: What? I've gone something in my eye! (He and Cindy both wipe their eyes.)

CINDY: Oh, you're such a softie! (She kisses Bert on the cheek and gets out of the chair.) See you tonight, honey. (To Joe) Bye!

JOE: Bye, Cindy.

(Cindy leaves the shop just as the postman, Calvin, comes in.)

CALVIN: Mornin', boys.

JOE: Hey, Calvin.

CALVIN: Joe, uh, looks like you've got some letters from those magazines in New York.

(Joe jumps out of the chair and takes the letters. He hands one to Gordie and two to Bert and they all start to open them. Joe read his first letter aloud.)

JOE: "Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately ..." blah blah blah, blah blah blah ...

BERT (reading one of his letters aloud): "Thank you for your interest ... Best of luck in the future."

GORDIE (looking at his letter): See, I'm not sure you should have sent in this one about Seth. It wasn't one of your best.

BERT (looking at the second letter): They rejected "Hathor"?! Oh, but it was gold!


THREE YEARS AGO: JOE'S HOUSE. Joe is typing on his laptop. In the distance we can hear the TV. From it comes the unmistakable sound of the theme tune to Wormhole X-Treme!

ANDY (from the TV room): Dad!

JOE: I'm writing!

ANDY: Seriously, you gotta see this.

(Joe comes into the TV room where Andy, now a teenager, is lying on the sofa watching the TV.)

TV ANNOUNCER: Prepare for an x-treme adventure.

JOE: What?

ANDY: Check it out.

(Joe looks at the TV as the trailer ad for Wormhole X-Treme! continues. The four stars of the show fly out from their version of the Stargate.)

TV ANNOUNCER: Four x-cellent heroes in an x-traordinary new sci-fi series.

JOE (staring in disbelief): What?!

TV ANNOUNCER: Starring Nick Marlowe as the wry Colonel Danning.

(Danning punches a bad guy, then headbutts another before looking around towards the camera.)

DANNING: As a matter of fact it does say Colonel on my uniform.

(Joe walks closer to the TV, still staring.)

ANDY: There's no such thing as original thought any more. We're all just regurgitating the same old ideas over and over again, running them down to a giant melting pot of mediocrity.

TV ANNOUNCER: And introducing Douglas Anders as Grell, a robot.

(Joe stares at the screen in anger as he recognizes the resemblance to Teal'c.)

TV ANNOUNCER: Wormhole X-Treme!, coming this fall.

JOE: They stole my idea.


STYLIN' JOE. Fred is having his hair washed.

FRED: Hey, whatever happened to that law suit you guys had against, uh ... what was that show called?

JOE: Wormhole X-Treme!? Nah, it was cancelled only after one episode.

GORDIE: Bad ratings.

BERT: I liked it ... not as much as your stories, boss.

(Fred goes over to the barber's chair and sits down.)

JOE: Actually, I have a new one -- just came to me last night. SG-1 finds out there's a giant asteroid headed toward Earth.

FRED: I saw the movie. It hits Paris.

JOE: Nah -- this is different. It starts when this amateur astronomer ...

FRED: Uh, actually, Joe, if it's alright with you, I'm not really in the mood.

JOE: Oh, c'mon, now -- don't you wanna know how SG-1 stops it? (Fred doesn't reply.) Here, I'll just tell you. Major Carter is able to expand the hyperspace window from the cargo ship until it surrounds ...

FRED (interrupting): Look, no offense, but how many times can these folks save the world from Apophis? What's it up to now? Five, six times?

JOE: This story's about Anubis. Apophis is dead.

(Fred rolls his eyes.)

FRED: What's the diff? You know what I'm sayin'? It's gettin' a little repetitive. I mean, c'mon now -- there must be other things we can talk about besides SG-1. (He and Joe look round at the other two -- they have nothing to offer.) You guys play golf?


JOE'S HOUSE. Night time. Joe is typing. Charlene comes into the room.

CHARLENE: Joe, I need to talk to you.

JOE: Just a second, honey, I'm in the zone.

CHARLENE: Honey, stop typing.

JOE: Writing.

CHARLENE: Please.

(Joe stops typing and looks up at her.)

JOE: What's up?

CHARLENE: I want you to stop.

JOE: I just did.

(Charlene sits down beside him.)

CHARLENE: I mean permanently.

JOE: What?!

CHARLENE: I've been going over our bills.

JOE: Charlene ...

CHARLENE: Joe, you've closed the shop early three times this week to come home and write.

JOE: I closed the shop because business has been slow.

CHARLENE: And you don't see the connection?

JOE: Don't worry -- once I get a few stories published, land an agent, things'll get better.

(Charlene gets up, picks up a huge pile of letters and drops them on the table in front of Joe.)

CHARLENE: Three hundred and twenty-six -- that's how many rejection letters you've received.

JOE: You only need one yes.

CHARLENE: They're not reading them any more -- just sending them back unopened!

JOE: Bert and Gordie like them.

CHARLENE: They work for you -- what else are they gonna say?

JOE: You haven't even read them all.

CHARLENE: I read "Holiday," "The Light," "The Sentinel" ...

JOE: OK, I admit -- those may have been a few small mis-steps, but on the whole they're getting better, aren't they?

CHARLENE: I don't know.

JOE: Well, what do you think the problem is? Tell me. Maybe I can fix it.

CHARLENE: Well, for one, it seems to me like the team interaction isn't what it used to be in the beginning.

JOE: You hate them all?

CHARLENE: No, I don't. I hate what this is doing to you.

JOE: You really want me to stop.

CHARLENE: Joe, how can this really be more important than your livelihood, and your family?

JOE: Honestly, Charlene, I don't think I can stop.

CHARLENE: Why not?

JOE: These stories -- I think ...

CHARLENE: Think -- you think what?

JOE: I think they're real, Charlene. I'm not making them up. They're happening -- somewhere. I can see them, and it's because of the stone.

CHARLENE (sighing in despair): Oh, Joe.

JOE: I can't explain it. Somehow I think it allows me to see these incredible things!

CHARLENE (disbelievingly): That you believe are really happening.

JOE: Yes! Here, try it. (He rummages amongst the papers on the table.) Where is it?

CHARLENE: Joe ...

(Joe looks at her.)

JOE: Did you take it? (She doesn't answer.) Charlene? What did you do with it? Charlene! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY STONE?!


KITCHEN. Joe is emptying the rubbish bin onto the floor and is rummaging through the contents. Charlene stands nearby.

CHARLENE: It was for your own good!

(As Joe continues rummaging through the rubbish, Andy comes in.)

ANDY: Woah! Has he totally lost it or what?!

CHARLENE: Joe, please. You need help.

(Joe looks up at Andy.)

JOE: Son, if you know where it is, just tell me. I'm not mad -- I just need my stone.

ANDY (nervously): Mom?

CHARLENE (to Joe): You leave him out of this! (Joe runs to a drawer and pulls out a torch.) Joe, please! You're scaring us!

(Joe rushes out of the back door.)


DRIVEWAY. Joe has emptied the dustbins out onto the ground and is ripping open plastic bags and searching through the contents. Finally he finds the stone.

JOE (triumphantly): Yes!

(As he holds the stone up in triumph, he gets a vision.)


FOOTAGE FROM "MERIDIAN." Jack and Daniel are standing in the Gate Room. The space inside the Gate is filled with light.

O'NEILL: Where are you going?

JACKSON: I don't know.

(Jack nods. Daniel smiles, then turns and walks into the light. In the isolation room, Daniel's heart monitor flatlines.)

JOE'S DRIVEWAY. Joe is on his knees with his hands still raised in the air, but his face is now a picture of anguish.

JOE: No! (He sobs.) He can't be gone! (He stands up.) He's dead! Daniel's dead! (He sobs, heartbroken.) He can't be dead!


STYLIN' JOE. Joe is sitting in a barber's chair, lost in thought. Gordie is sweeping the floor. Bert appears to be plucking his eyebrows in a mirror.

BERT: Gordie, you're wearing out the floor.

(Calvin comes in.)

BERT: Calvin.

CALVIN: Gentlemen. Slow day?

JOE (not really interested): What do you got, Calvin?

CALVIN: Looks like a stack of bills, and, uh, a couple more letters from those magazines.

JOE: Toss 'em.

CALVIN: There's, uh, also another letter here from the Air Force.

JOE: You read it.

(Calvin opens the letter and reads it aloud.)

CALVIN: "Dear Mr Spencer, Regarding your request to meet with Colonel Jack O'Neill: we regret to inform you that ..." (He trails off. Clearly it's a similar reply to previous requests.) Hey, Joe, if you're so sure this is all real, then why don't you follow it up with more than just letters? Well, call them up, tell them what you know. If it really is true ...

JOE: Are you kidding? I'd disappear in a heartbeat.

CALVIN: You think?

JOE: Believe me, if the government didn't get me, N.I.D. are sure to. I've seen it happen. D'you remember Armin Selig? (He clicks his fingers.) Dead.

CALVIN: Right(!) Well, look, uh, I gotta get back to my route now, uh ... You guys take care. (He beats a hasty retreat out of the shop.)

GORDIE: Thanks, Calvin. (He and Bert share a concerned look about Joe. Calvin suddenly bursts back into the shop and hands the rest of Joe's mail to Gordie before hurrying out again.)


SOME WEEKS (OR MONTHS) LATER: OUTSIDE STYLIN' JOE. Joe locks up the shop and starts to walk away. He suddenly stops in his tracks as he gets another vision.


FOOTAGE FROM "ABYSS." In Baal's cell.

JACKSON: Hi, Jack.

(Jack looks at him. Daniel waves.)

O'NEILL: Daniel.

JACKSON: I leave, and look at the mess you get yourself into.


OUTSIDE STYLIN' JOE. Joe leaps into the air.

JOE: Yes! (He cackles in delight.) Yes! (He jumps up and hits the awning over a shop, then jumps into the air and kicks off a tree before dancing down the road joyfully, laughing.)


JOE'S HOUSE. Joe runs into the house.

JOE: Charlene! You won't ... (He runs into a room, then out again because she's not there.) Charlene, Charlene, you won't believe it! (He runs off looking for her and eventually finds her in the bedroom.) Charlene? Oh, there you are. Honey, it's incredible! Daniel's still alive! I mean, I know he ascended to a higher plain of existence but he ... he ... (He trails off as he realizes that Charlene is packing a suitcase.) What are you doing?

CHARLENE: Andy and I are going to my mother's for a while. If you have even the slightest interest in saving our marriage, you'll see someone who can help you.

JOE: Charlene, I don't need a shrink. (Charlene picks up two suitcases and walks out of the bedroom.) Charlene!


OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. Charlene carries the suitcases down the steps and puts them into the trunk of the car.

JOE: Honey, don't do this, please! Come on! Honey. C'mon, we can work things out! Charlene -- look, our problems are small compared ... (Charlene gets into the car and closes the door.) We ... just ... let's talk. (She starts the car.) Can we just talk this out?

CHARLENE (tearfully): Goodbye, Joe. I'll call you later. (She drives away.)

JOE: Charlene? (He shouts after the car.) Wait! Charlene! (He sees his neighbor standing and watching what's going on. He waves to him.)


STYLIN' JOE. Joe is in the back room writing a letter. A curtain is drawn in the doorway between the back room and the main shop.

JOE (voiceover): Dear Colonel O'Neill. I understand you are a very busy man. However, I must wonder if you're actually getting each and every piece of correspondence I send you. I have written you many letters and left countless messages for you with the Air Force but I've yet to receive any kind of response from you. Because of this I realize I have no choice but to take my life into my own hands and come clean with you. I know everything.

(At that moment Gordie bursts through the curtain, stumbling over something on the floor. Joe jumps.)

JOE: Jeez, Gordie!

GORDIE: Sorry.

JOE: You scared the hell out of me!

GORDIE: I'm sorry, I ...

JOE: It's OK, Gordie, I'm just ... glad it's you. (As Gordie comes closer, Joe turns over the letter he was writing so that Gordie can't see what's written on it.)

GORDIE: Boss, if it's alright with you -- me and Bert, we're gonna head home. It looks like nobody's coming in again today.

JOE: Yeah.

GORDIE: Look, I know this is kind of a bad time, but ... (he trails off.)

JOE: What is it, Gordie?

GORDIE: Well, it's been really slow around here and ... I kind of dropped off an application at the Piggly Wiggly.

JOE: I understand. You gotta do what you gotta do.

GORDIE: Thanks, boss. Goodnight. (He turns to leave and trips over the same thing he fell over when he came in before leaving the room.)

JOE: Goodnight. (He turns the letter over, looks at it, then screws it up and tosses it into the wastepaper bin. After a moment, he gets up, goes over to the bin, takes out the piece of paper and starts to tear it into tiny pieces, dropping the pieces back into the bin. The view of the bin segues into ...)


FOOTAGE FROM "FALLEN." We see Daniel, naked, lying on the ground.

CARTER (voiceover): Activating hyperdrive.

(We see Joe, who is again typing his stories on his laptop.)

O'NEILL: Extending straight up.

(The F-302 does its Star Wars trench run over Anubis' mothership.)

(Joe is now lying on his bed as his visions continue. The TV is on but the screen has gone to static.)

FOOTAGE FROM "ORPHEUS."

O'NEILL: C'mon, boys, have at 'em!

(The SG troops fire at the Jaffa on Erebus. Nearby, the new ship falls slowly to the ground.)

FOOTAGE FROM "EVOLUTION, PART 2."

(Jack fires repeatedly at Chalo, then Burke appears and blows Chalo away.)

FOOTAGE FROM "HEROES, PART 2."

CARTER (anguished): Sir!

(On P3X-666, Teal'c turns at the sound of Sam's cry and watches as Jack, shot in the chest by a staff weapon, crashes to the ground. An Al'kesh flies overhead.)


ONE YEAR AGO: PARK. Joe is sitting on a bench holding a folder. Charlene comes over to join him. He stands as she approaches.

JOE: Thanks for seeing me. You look great!

CHARLENE: How are you?

JOE: Oh, I'm good. Uh, very good. (He gestures to the bench and they both sit down.) Charlene, I'm-I'm sorry about everything that's happened. I drove you and Andy away -- I understand that now.

CHARLENE: Joe ...

JOE: Just let me finish. I-I was too wrapped up in the stories to realize what was important. I promise I will focus on rebuilding my business, on providing for my family, if you'll give me another chance.

CHARLENE: It was never about the money, Joe -- it was your obsession with that stone.

JOE: I know, I know, and I owe you both an explanation. (He reaches into the folder.) That's why I brought you proof that my visions are real. (He shows her a photograph of Jack and Kinsey, taken at the end of "Smoke and Mirrors".) This is what Jack O'Neill actually looks like. Now, I know what you're thinking, but I swear I saw this image in my mind long before it was in the paper ...

CHARLENE: Joe ...

JOE: ... and here: (he shows her a newspaper clipping with the headline "Massive solar flare erupts from sun") this report about massive solar flare activity from six years ago -- it coincides with the time SG-1 destroyed Apophis' fleet! And this: (he shows her another clipping headed "Soviets report submarine missing") about the sinking of a Russian submarine -- it happened the same time Anubis' ship crashed into the Pacific Ocean.

CHARLENE: It just means that you're using real people and events and incorporating them in your fantasies.

JOE: They're not fantasies! (He shows her the photograph again.) Jack O'Neill is head of Stargate Command!

CHARLENE (shouting): There is no Stargate Command! (Joe stares at her. She speaks more quietly.) Listen to me. I've been talking to several doctors about your symptoms and they seem to think that you might be suffering from something called manic psychosis combined with grandiose delusions, but with therapy and medication you could probably live a normal life.

Joe stares up into the sky, distracted. He stands up, still staring upwards.

JOE: Oh my God! They're fighting in Antarctica -- for Earth's very survival!


FOOTAGE FROM "LOST CITY, PART 2."

We see the Al'kesh and gliders in combat with the F-302s. Prometheus heads towards the cargo ship.


PARK.

JOE: Anubis' fleet is in orbit above us right now!

CHARLENE: Joe, stop it, it's not real.

JOE: You don't understand! If Jack can't find a way to use the Ancients' technology in time, we're all dead!

CHARLENE: Goodbye, Joe. (She stands up and walks away. Joe calls after her.)

JOE: It's happening, Charlene! You'll see! It's real!


JOE'S HOUSE. A sign has been placed outside the house. It reads, "Notice. Court Ordered Sale. Indiana Statute 8473". A repossession firm is collecting Joe's furniture. One of the workmen walks back to the house, wearing overalls with "Brothers Grimm Repo" on the back. Joe is standing on the driveway looking lost as his furniture is taken to a large van. Finally he gets into a taxi and is driven away.


PRESENT DAY.

Joe pulls up outside Jack's house. He reaches into the glove compartment and takes out a pistol.


JACK'S KITCHEN. We're back at the beginning of the episode. Joe is holding his gun on Jack.

O'NEILL: OK, look, this obviously isn't your forte, so why don't you just put the gun down before you get hurt?

(He takes a step towards Joe, who brandishes the gun wildly.)

JOE: Don't come any closer!

O'NEILL: I know your gun isn't real. (He opens a drawer in the table in front of him.) However, (he takes out a pistol) mine is.

JOE: Oh, God! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right, it's just a toy. (He drops his gun on the floor and raises his hands.) Please don't shoot me.

O'NEILL: I'm not gonna shoot ya.

JOE: I'm sorry -- I just thought it was the only way to make you listen to me.

O'NEILL: Oh, where you're goin', people will listen. (He picks up his cellphone and dials.) They've got nothin' to do but listen to what you have to say. They've got nice white coats, padded walls, the whole nine yards.

JOE: Please, wait! You're Brigadier General Jack O'Neill, head of Stargate Command at Cheyenne Mountain. You used to command SG-1, which is now led by Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter. You once visited a planet called Argos and the nanites in your blood caused you to age artificially. You had the entire repository of the Ancients' knowledge downloaded into your brain -- twice! You have a thing for The Simpsons, fishing, Mary Steenburgen, the colour peridot, and you're a terrible ping pong player!

O'NEILL: Have we met?

JOE: My name is Joe Spencer. I'm a barber. (He looks at Jack.) It's all true, isn't it? Everything I've seen -- the Stargate, the Goa'uld, the Asgards -- it's all real. Tell me it's real -- I need to know.

O'NEILL: Well, first of all, Joe, I'm not a terrible ping pong player!


S.G.C. - INFIRMARY. Joe is sitting on the side of a bed having some blood taken as Jack stands nearby.

JOE: Between you and me, I totally see the analogy -- Burns as Goa'uld.

O'NEILL: Thank you!

JOE: And don't worry -- I won't say a word about your feelings for ...

(At that moment Sam walks in. Jack raises a finger to Joe warningly. Joe jumps off the bed and holds out his hand to Sam. She takes it.)

JOE: This is such an honour. I don't know how to thank you for all you've done for our planet. There are not enough words!

CARTER (cautiously): It's nice to meet you too. (She looks at Jack.)

O'NEILL: Joe Spencer.

JOE: I was particularly impressed with the time you blew up that sun.

CARTER: Well, thank you! I had a bit of help.

JOE: And as far as this whole Pete Shanahan thing goes ...

(Jack claps his hand onto Joe's shoulder to stop him. However, Joe has already been distracted by the sight of Daniel walking in.)

JOE: Doctor Jackson, can I just say, thank goodness you're back. (He shakes his hand.) Not that Jonas was a bad guy, but after all you've been through together, you belong here with SG-1.

JACKSON: Thank you! Jack?!

O'NEILL: He's a barber.

JACKSON: Broke into your house?

O'NEILL: Yeah.

JACKSON: Second week in a row.

O'NEILL: Mm-hmm.

JACKSON (pointedly): Alarm.

O'NEILL: I'm thinkin' dog.

JOE: You could try locking your front door.


BRIEFING ROOM. Joe is sitting at the table as Sam works on a laptop on the other side of the table. Jack and Teal'c come in. Joe stands and greets Teal'c.

JOE: Shal'kek nem'ron!

(Teal'c reaches out to shake his hand but Joe grasps his arm in the Jaffa fashion. Teal'c looks at Jack.)

O'NEILL: Joe. A barber.

TEAL'C (to Joe): Please be seated. (They sit down.)

O'NEILL: What've you got there, Carter?

CARTER: Well, initial tests show that Joe possesses the same Ancient gene as you do.

JOE: I just want you to know, if you ever need me to use the Chair device in Antarctica in defense of the planet, I'm there.

O'NEILL (putting his hand on Joe's arm): Thank you!

(Teal'c and Sam exchange a glance before Sam turns her attention back to the laptop.)

CARTER: Other than that, his physiology is completely normal.

TEAL'C: Do not a great many people possess this Ancient gene?

JOE: Yeah, I mean, how come I'm the only one seeing these things?

O'NEILL: Yes, good question. (He turns to Sam.) Pray tell.

CARTER: Unfortunately our knowledge of Ancient physiology is fairly limited. The only other thing we know is that Joe has somehow managed to gain access to huge amounts of classified information, mainly in regard to SG-1, and that these visions are somehow connected to the stone he found.

O'NEILL: Anything on that?

CARTER: Daniel's looking into it. He did say there was something familiar about it.

TEAL'C (to Joe): You claim to receive these visions only within the proximity of the stone. Perhaps there is a connection between the stone and your genetic predispositions.

(Joe is staring at Teal'c.)

JOE: I know that hair makes you look different, but didn't you use to be more gold-coloured?

(Daniel comes up the stairs.)

JACKSON: I think I've got it! Took me a while to track it down but ... (He puts Joe's stone down on the table and lays a second identical stone beside it.)

JOE: You have one too?!

JACKSON: They're a set. Jack, you remember P3R-233? The planet where I ...

JOE (interrupting): ... where you found the quantum mirror that sent you to an alternate reality where the Goa'uld invaded Earth.

(Daniel looks at Jack and nods in confirmation.)


FLASHBACK: DANIEL'S OFFICE. It's after the events of "There But For The Grace Of God," "Within the Serpent's Grasp," and "The Serpent's Lair." Daniel, with long hair, is in his office looking at some artifacts. Jack comes in.

O'NEILL: Hey, fella.

JACKSON: Hey, Jack.

O'NEILL: This all the stuff we brought back from ...?

JACKSON: P3R-233? Yeah. Coming to help me catalogue it?

O'NEILL: You bet(!) My favourite. But it's all gonna have to wait. Hammond called a briefing. (He picks up one of the artifacts -- it's the second stone.) We got some intel back indicating that Apophis may not be so dead as we thought. (He looks at the stone and seems distracted.) ... Something about ... Chulak.


THE PRESENT.

JACKSON: I think the stones were a kind of Ancient long-range communication device allowing people to see events over great distances by assuming a sort of psychic connection. Now, Jack must have activated the link between the stones by picking up the second stone. Now, after that, all that would be required is a certain proximity to the stone for the connection to be activated. Now, seeing as the stone has been stored in the base archives ...

O'NEILL: But that doesn't explain how the other stone got to the ... where? Where was it?

TEAL'C: A garage sale.

JOE: The person who sold it to me said his grandfather found it on a dig in Egypt.

CARTER: But that still doesn't explain the proximity issue. I mean, if the stone General O'Neill touched was kept here, how was Joe able to see everything that happened to the General off-world?

JACKSON: Maybe he was getting most of it from when Jack was writing his reports right here on the base. The stone was being stored just a few levels above.

JOE: That's why the stories were so easy to write. It was like someone else had done most of the work for me!

O'NEILL: And you say they all got rejected?

Joe nods. Jack looks hurt.

CARTER: Wait a second -- if the stones work the way Daniel says, shouldn't General O'Neill have been able to see elements of Joe's life as well?

JACKSON: Theoretically, yes, he would.

(Everyone looks round at Jack. Jack raises his eyebrows. Joe looks nervously at him.)


FLASH.

(We see Joe sitting in his chair at the barber's, reading the paper.)

(We see Joe trimming his nostril hairs in the mirror.)

(We see a tenpin bowling ball rolling down the lane and getting a strike.)

In the Briefing Room, Jack smiles at Joe.

O'NEILL: Bowling league, Thursday nights?

JOE: You saw that?!

O'NEILL: You got game, son!

JACKSON: Wait a minute. Jack -- you've been seeing parts of the life of a barber in Indiana for seven years and you never mentioned it?

O'NEILL: Yeah, sure I did. I know I did.

(SG-1 look at each other. Sam shakes her head.)

CARTER: No. No, you didn't, sir.

O'NEILL: I didn't?

JACKSON: You didn't find that the least bit odd?

O'NEILL: Actually, no -- I found it quite ... relaxing.


PARK. Joe is sitting on the bench again. He stands as Charlene comes over.

JOE: Charlene.

CHARLENE: I only have about ten minutes, then I really need to get right back to work. (Behind her, a black Air Force car pulls up.) Um, there's no easy way to say this -- I want a divorce.

JOE: I know. I mean, you have every right to. But, before we get to that, there's someone who'd like to meet you. Here he comes now. (Jack, in his dress uniform, walks over to join them.) Charlene -- meet General Jack O'Neill of the United States Air Force.

(Jack takes his hat off and offers his hand to Charlene.)

O'NEILL: It's a pleasure to meet you, ma'am. (Charlene nervously shakes his hand.) I think we have some things to talk about.

(Charlene looks at Joe as Jack gestures to the park bench. The three of them sit down, and the camera pulls back as Jack starts to talk.)